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Friday, April 10, 2009

A Laundry Question

What is the best way to launder money I make under the table while I am on unemployment?

I imagine all that under the table money has gum on it, or perhaps other slimy substances. But, let's start with the gum. While I hear peanut butter is good, I've never had any success with it. (Not that I've tried to get gum off money, but money is made out of cotton fibres and I have had gum on clothes.) I suggest putting it in the freezer and then trying.

Now, if it's not gum, but just general stickiness, there are other solutions. (Heaven knows if you have small children who can't seem to use a napkin, but are sick of their parents yelling at them for using their clothes, the will resort to wiping their hands on the underside of the table, which is where you have been working. Working at what, I don't know. Cleaning tables, I suppose. Or perhaps, table maintanance.) I like Tide with Bleach Alternative. Several of my siblings use the Kirkland brand, which you get at Costco. Depending on how much money you have to launder, the latter might not be a good buy.

If you were going to hand wash, you can always try woolite, but I find that unnecessary. The money that has gone through my washing machine, (usually it starts out in a pocket) has come through just fine, even on a hot wash.

Or, have I misunderstood your question? Were you asking me how to do something illegal? I'm sure you wouldn't do that, because you must be relatively intelligent if you've chosen to read my blog. And you would know that those of us who pay taxes really despise those of you who cheat on theirs, so you wouldn't be asking me that, would you? No, it must be about cleaning.

I hope you don't bonk your head on the table when you try to get up.

11 comments:

Ed Ebreo said...

I understood the question quite differently. I thought the fellow had to make some money under the table while he/she is unemployed. The money he/she made were probably dirty that's why they needed to be washed. Anyway, it's still illegal to make money if you are not connected to the Department of Treasury. And to make it under the table is just plain uncomfortable. :D

tabitharuth said...

I paid someone under the table for work, once. Oh wait, it was for work under the table cleaning the tile and I used a nice clean check.

Evil HR Lady said...

tabitharuth, why didn't you just move the table? I'm confused.

Ed, I agree. Making money on top of the table has got to be more comfortable, if still illegal. And speaking of making money, we once visited the Canadian Mint in Ottawa and learned that Chuck E. Cheese coins are made by the official Canadian Mint. Strange, I thought.

Anonymous said...

Making money on a chair (preferably a recliner) is so much more comfortable... but honestly, who is daft enough to ask how to make illegal money legal?! *sigh*

Anonymous said...

Oh come on... even former presidents pay their interns for "under the table work."

Probably neither clean nor comfortable.

Anonymous said...

Your response to that question was five kinds of awesome.

El Comodoro said...

Best. Question. Ever.

I love the fact that this question comes to HR. The CPAs? They're busy with the 15th. Let's ask someone REALLY shady, maybe someone EVIL in HR.

*googling "evil" and "HR"...click!*

Your response was hysterical, but you should've referred them to a DVD of Office Space...

www.captainjackmakesport.blogspot.com/

class-factotum said...

I have accidentally left paper money in my jeans pockets before and run it through the wash. It comes out fine, probably because it's made from cotton instead of wood. I would suggest a non-bleach detergent.

Just another HR lady said...

I would think it might be difficult to make money while sitting under a table? lol

Office Humorist said...

Great response! My question is how do you make money while unemployed, if you're making money, isn't someone employing you to do it?

Anonymous said...

If EHRL hasn't answered your question, you could try a simple Google search or visit your local library. There are many useful books and websites on household tips, and laundering/stain removal will certainly be covered. Try www.thehousethatcleansitself.com (warning: Christian content may make you reconsider any illegal actions you may have been contemplating).

Otherwise, leave EHRL some contact details so she can answer you personally. Switzerland has a reputation as a very clean country and I'm sure she'll pick up some tips she cann pass on to you (or she could just forward your details to the IRS in the hope of a reward).