I Think, Therefore I Am

Dean Dad over at Confessions of a Community College Dean named me as one of the bloggers that makes him think. I'm so pleased. Thinking is good--after all, think how much better your company would be if the people in charge actually did some of that from time to time? Truth be told, he makes me think. My original career goal was academia, so the inner workings of higher ed is fascinating to me as well.

I read more blogs than I should, so limiting it to 5 is difficult and I just can't do it. Instead I'm going to do 6. I'm such a rebel.

RedKudu. She's a high school English teacher who I pray gets to teach my children some day. Since she's in Texas and I'm on the East Coast, it's doubtful this will happen, but I still have my dreams. In addition to describing some of her lesson plans, she talks about teaching, her hilarious students, educational controversies and her adventures in customer service. A day isn't complete without a hop over to Red Kudu.

Daryl Cobranchi. As with RedKudu, Daryl is an edublogger, but with a different slant. He's a homeschooler and writes about homeschooling, politics and astronomy. To borrow a phrase from Dean Dad his politics are not mine, but he's so eloquent about them, I love to read. I never thought much about home schooling before I came upon him, but now I understand a lot more about it.

Dr. Flea. Dr. Flea is the pediatrician I want for my child. Too bad he's anonymous and lives in a different city, or I would track him down. He comments on medical issues, shedding light on things such as the Gardasil controversy and parents who demand "treatments" for common colds. Love him!

Dr. Helen. Where does one even begin? She's a forensic psychologist who comments on everything under the sun, with a psychological slant. I've learned so much from her about how humans think and interact. Her post from yesterday on how men and women express depression differently turned a little lightbulb on in my head. As an HR professional, that was one valuable piece of information. HR is very female centric and I had never thought about this difference in gender.

Nick Corcodilos at Ask the Headhunter. It's not really a blog, but he sends out a must read weekly newsletter for any person who is now or ever will be looking for a job. I've mentioned in the past that I hate recruiters, so when I found him I was anxious to find out what makes recruiters tick. Well, he's not a recruiter, he's a headhunter and a brilliant one at that. I'm not in the market for a new job, but I know I will be some day, so I read him faithfully. Sign up for his newsletter while you're at it.

Jay Shepherd at Gruntled Employees. First, what a great name for a blog. He's a labor and employment lawyer who gives us lawyerly insight on HR law and how to keep our employees from becoming "disgruntled." Fascinating stuff.

Whew! Even with going over my limit of 5, I still feel like I have about 20 more to share. I really, really, need to update my blogroll.

How to Avoid Being Fired

Dear Evil HR Lady

I am a 15 year old high school student who will be starting his first summer job this summer. The question I want to ask you is, What are several basic steps one can do to avoid being fired from his or her job? For example, what did your subordinates do in order to be on your good side, and to prevent you from firing them?

Catsagdn

Dear Catsagdn,

First, if I had a summer job, I would hire you. But I don't, so I can't. But I can already tell that being fired won't be a problem for you.

At fifteen, you're likely to be in an unskilled, entry level job--restaurants, grocery stores, theme parks, yard work, etc. (I understand landscaping companies pay better than fast food, by the way. It's harder work, out in the sun, but no grease!)

Most of the people you will be working with will be young and inexperienced as well. So, I'm going to change your goal of "avoiding being fired" to "be the manager's favorite employee and hopefully get a raise by the end of summer and at least a guarenteed job next year." Boy, that was a poorly written goal!

Anyway, this advice is coming from someone who has not only had people reporting to her, but was also Burger King Employee of the Month (I have a plaque and everything). Here are the steps:

1. Be on time. Every day.
2. Dress appropriately. If you're at a place with a uniform, wear it with your shirt tucked in and the proper shoes. If no uniform, check out the dress code and follow it.
3. No bad language. Ever.
4. Smile and be helpful to the customers. Always. Customers are sometimes idiots, but you be nice. If a customer gets belligerant, call the manager over.
5. Work while you are there. I realize this seems obvious, but it's not. If there are no customers, straighten shelves or wipe down counters. Fold clothes. Volunteer to help someone else.
6. Manager ask you to do something stupid, like wear a cow suit and stand in front of the store? Do it anyway.
7. Be responsible.
8. Go above and beyond in your customer service.
9. When Evil HR Lady comes in, give her a discount. (Just kidding--do not hand out discounts to ANYONE, including your obnoxious Aunt Joan, without your manager's approval.)
10. Have fun working.

If you do these things, not only will you not be fired, you'll soar at work. Everyone of us has worked that first job. It's scary and it's hard, but you'll do fabulously well.

I welcome other suggestions for our job hunting friend.

Evil HR Lady

Potential Pregnancy?

Dear Evil HR Lady –

I’m looking for advice on how to handle the following situation.

I left my job 3 months ago and to take some time off – with no deadline as to when I would resume work. Then, a handsome and ideal job fell in my radar. The company has extended a generous offer to me. It’s a senior management position. The kicker is that we have trying to get pregnant for the last 3 years. In the last year have been receiving medical help. In fact, I’m in my last week of an infertility treatment cycle and will be taking a pregnancy test in 7 days. Mind you, this is the 3 attempt – so we haven’t been successful yet. I plan on accepting this offer. The question is, do I tell the company that I have plans to start a family or that in 7 days I will know whether or not I’m pregnant. I feel compel to say something because the position I would fill is important to the organization. I don’t think my pregnancy would diminish my ability to contribute – but I don’t want to start off a working relationship with the perception that I tricked them.

Thanks


Dear New Senior Manager,

I hope all goes well and you are pregnant. In the past I've recommended disclosing a pregnancy so as to not end up in a hostile environment. (Keep in mind that discriminating against you because you are pregnant is illegal, but difficult to prove.) However, you don't know if you are pregnant yet--you just might be pregnant. Disclosing at this point seems like too much information.

However, I'm a bit concerned about you. Why did you take three months off? Was it for the pressures of dealing with infertility? If you did, you're not alone. It can be a terribly stressful time and you aren't the first person to need time off. My big concern is if you aren't pregnant. Then what? Are you prepared to go through another round of treatments?

If you are going to need time off for these treatments, you'll need to explain early. Unfortunately, I don't believe you can be guarenteed time off for treatments, as it's not fully decided whether infertility is covered under ADA. Keep in mind that as a new employee, you aren't eligible for FMLA either.

Since you are planning to accept the offer, regardless of the result of the pregnancy test, and since they can't rescind it, I would not say anything at this point. Wait unti your pregnancy is established and then go forward. If you were further along, I'd have you tell now, but since you're not, wait a bit.

Good luck with everything,

Evil HR Lady

Performance Appraisal? Check.

Well, I've finally had my yearly performance appraisal. I am, of course, a wonderful employee. (Would you expect anything less from me? Afterall, I am evil and I am in HR, so of course it's a perfect match.)

My boss did point out one, umm, less than perfect area: I'm too negative.

While you ponder on that, I will tell you that yesterday I took the Offspring to a birthday party. Twenty 3 and 4 year olds in a small house with the heat on and a Sleeping Beauty look alike who couldn't carry a tune in a bucket actually had me thinking, while walking down the stairs, "you know, if I fell down these stairs and broke my leg, I could leave this nightmare early."

Anyway, my boss said that I'm a little too negative. I don't know where on earth she gets that idea.

Carnival of the Insanities

Is up over at Dr. Sanity's place.

My favorite this week is 25 tips from the frugally insane.

11. Why pay for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen fries from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

12. Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

13. Always keep a stick of butter in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

How Did Your Mother Get to Be the Head of a Korean Bank?

Why aren't you married yet? Are you dating anyone? Umm, hi Mom! Okay, not hi, my mom because I'm happily married, but unless you got married at 19, your Mom has said that or is saying that to you. So, it looks like your mom just got a new job--managing benefits at a South Korean bank.

A top South Korean bank is sending a group of its single female employees on a blind date trip to North Korea, hoping that romance will make them happy at the office, an official said on Tuesday.

Hmmm, when I think "Hot single guys" I always think, "North Korea!" Don't you?

The bank pays dating service fees as part of their benefits package. I think I'll bring that up next time I'm talking to our benefits counsel. "Hey, I have this great idea..."

And just how is this dating trip supposed to make the bank's unhappy females any happier? If they do hit it off with a North Korean hottie, how is that going to work out? "Sure, I'll give up freedom here in South Korea and move on up to be with my northern dream boat!" Somehow I don't think the North Korean government will be too hip on exporting their single guys to South Korean bankers.

The whole singles/dating scene reminded me of Deb Owen's defense of being single. (She says she got it from Karen, but I couldn't find it on her site. I do want to give credit where it is due.)

My favorite:

2. Married people are not necessarily better catches simply because they were caught. I mean, have you taken a look at some of the married people out there? Seriously. Even Frankenstein got married. Obviously married people are not superior people.

Hmmm, is there a correlation between Frankenstein and North Korea?

Carnival of Human Resources

Welcome to the first Carnival of Human Resources! Many people have submitted fabulous posts about this lovely world of HR. The next Carnival will be in two weeks (March 7), so please submit your posts by March 6, and you can join the carnival. Submissions can be sent to evilhrlady at hotmail.com or by clicking on the e-mail me link on the side.

And, now, let the Carnival begin!

Because this is the Evil HR Lady's blog, it makes sense that our first post would be Satan's Training Brochure. I always suspected that it existed, but now I know. Wayne Turmel braved fire and brimstone to bring us back this brochure. Here are some sample headers:

God Only Wishes He Was in Sales: getting the rest of the organization to appreciate your brilliance

Getting To Maybe:- Delayed Decision Making For the Budget-Constrained

Mastering PowerlessPoint: Perfecting the Defensive Presentation

The Seven Habits of Not-Completely-Useless People: Working Just Hard Enough To Keep Your Job

Clearly Lisa Rosendahl didn't take any of the above classes. She deals with decision making and makes it pretty clear that she recognizes the issues around the decisions. Sometimes there is more than one way to see things:

I have a Human Resource Specialist who made a decision a few weeks ago. Without getting into the HR details of it, this was a pure matter of interpretation. The service line does not agree with the decision. For me, this decision comes down to value. The decision made placed the value differently than where the service line is placing it. Is one value judgment right and one wrong? Absolutely not. May the decision change? Maybe and maybe not.

Deb over at 8 Hours and a Lunch talks about taking employee suggestions seriously. She writes :

who better knows how to improve a process than the people using it? sure. management and leadership are an important component in making improvements work. but sometimes the elegant solutions come from the factory floor, the person answering the phones, the programming gurus, those on the front lines.

but listening to employees and implementing improvements they’ve recommended can be an opportunity for something sometimes less obvious. it can be key to helping you develop them as well.

Development and business improvement in one easy step. What more could an HR department want?

And finally, from me, a post about workplace bullies. I've encountered them. I think you have too. I think they took Satan's training classes. Hmmm, maybe I'll look at that brochure again.

I Wonder What He Would Have Done if the Car Was a Lexus?

Kidnapping faked to avoid wife's wrath.

SAN RAFAEL, California -- A man who allegedly faked his own kidnapping to keep his wife from finding out he crashed her new car could face criminal charges, police said.

Police said the 35-year-old man told them two kidnappers held him up Saturday and ordered him to drive to Santa Rosa, where he crashed the car into a wall to escape.

The man was actually heading to a casino when he crashed his wife's 2007 Ford Focus.

Absolutely nothing to do with HR or business, but I just had to share.

Taking Responsibility

Jet Blue messed up in a big way. With last week's ice storm, instead of canceling flights, they loaded up planes and stuck people on the runway--hoping the storm would break. It didn't and people were stuck for hours and hours and hours.

Just thinking about the horror of it all makes me queasy.

But, their CEO is recognizing that the problem wasn't the weather and it wasn't air traffic control and it certainly wasn't impatient passengers. It was Jet Blue.

David G. Neeleman said in a telephone interview yesterday that his company’s management was not strong enough. And he said the current crisis, which has led to about 1,000 canceled flights in five days, was the result of a shoestring communications system that left pilots and flight attendants in the dark, and an undersize reservation system...
...Mr. Neeleman said that throughout the chain of events, he had overestimated JetBlue’s ability to find people and get them into position.

He's identified the problem and is going to go forth to fix it.

We'll see how well it works. It's almost March, so paralyzing winter storms are hopefully on they way out.

I'm impressed that the CEO is taking responsibility and acting to fix the problem. Let's see if it works.

1987

I was in Junior High in 1987. So, even though I've always been an evil genius, I wasn't in HR yet.

However, that didn't stop me from getting the phone call from our company's legal department. We were being sued. For what, I don't know (I don't ask--the less I know, the less likely I am to be subpoenaed and my main goal is to stay out of court). But, they wanted to know the name of the sales rep that had called on a particular client in 1987.

Hmmm, as I said, I was in Junior High in 1987. I was busy having bad hair and big teeth and generally being, well, 14. (Incidentally, I was awarded the Social Studies Student of the Year award in 1987, so it was a banner year.)

I do have access to our company's now defunct HRIS. It goes back to 1990. I called a colleague who has access to the Sales Calls system--it goes back to the mid 1990s.

I provided a list of employees who were active in 1987 and whose territory in 1990 was in the same state as the client in question.

Given that they find the right sales rep, what is he going to say, "Ummm, 1987--ummm, did I work for [big company] that year? Ummm, I did? Okay."

All I know is if the lawsuit proceeds along the same line as Scooter Libby's trial, the sales rep better have good notes.

Bizarre. And the more I think about it, the more I want to know what the lawsuit is about. But, as I said, I'm not asking because I don't want enough knowledge to land me in a witness chair. My memories of 1987 are limited to what boy I had a crush on (Dan), and who my best friend was (too unique of a name to actually put in a blog) and the song "Sincerely" which we sang in Glee Club. Other than that, I'm not saying a word.

Bizarre. I am curious as to what the lawsuit is all about. But, I'm not going to ask.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Where are all my presents? Hmmm, did you forget to send them?

All right, it is my birthday (I'm 22 this year! Well, I look 22 anyway...)

For my birthday I would like to start an HR Carnival.

If any of you HR or Business types--or people who know HR people--would like to submit one of your posts, e-mail me at evilhrlady at hotmail dot com and I will get the party started.

Workplace Bullies

Have you run into one? I have. One in particular was a fellow HR person. She would call me and scream and yell and tell me I wasn't doing my job right. She was nasty. In fact, my whole department hated her--but the HR VPs thought she was fantastic and she kept getting promoted.

When she quit to go be the head of some other poor company's HR department, all us non VP types breathed a sigh of relief and made a mental note to never go work for her new company.

Why does this go on?

Well, allow me to pull some information from another field--education. In Playground Heroes Ken Rigby, Ph.D. and Bruce Johnson, Ph.D. argue that it is not the teachers who can stop bullying. Why?

School authorities are commonly unaware of what is going on. This is not to blame them. It is simply to recognize that bullying goes on in the company of peers and rarely in the company of teachers. Children see it happening, but the teachers do not. Only occasionally do students tell.

Did I ever call up the Sr VP and say, "this lady is a nightmare"? No, I didn't. Neither did any of my peers--or my boss. Could it be that they were fully unaware?

Is the business world just like a playground? I certainly can see the logic in arguing that. The study's authors do give another reason for failure to stop bullying--and a solution as well: Having the bully's peers disapprove.

On those rare occasions when a witness does object to bullying, there is a good chance that the bullying will stop. Indeed, several researchers have reported that bystander objections effectively discourage bullying at least half the time.

I'm looking back to the meetings where I and others were screamed at. What would have happened if, rather than biting our tongues we'd said, "Excuse me, but you're not acting appropriately. If you have a problem with these numbers/report/programs, let's talk about it, but if you are going to scream we're going to leave."

Because I believed that Sr. Management was aware and would have supported her, I kept my mouth shut and took the abuse. But perhaps, like teachers over bullies, they were unaware and perhaps would have responded if we had stood up to her.

Thoughts?
(Via Joanne Jacobs.)

Happy Valentine's Day

In honor of the holiday of love, go buy an I love Human Resources T-shirt.

No, I'm not selling them. My t-shirts would be much different, which reminds me--I need to work on my campaign bumper sticker. Evil in 2010.

To celebrate the Evil Family is trapped in our house due to a lovely winter storm. We're going to make snow candy once Offspring's room is clean.

101 Dumbest Moments in Business

CNN Money has a list of the 101 Dumbest Moments in Business.

My favorites so far--

Number 3

In August, McDonald's runs a promotional contest in Japan in which it gives away 10,000 Mickey D's-branded MP3 players.

The gadgets come preloaded with 10 songs - and, in some cases, a version of the QQPass family of Trojan horse viruses, which, when uploaded to a PC, seeks to capture passwords, user names, and other data and then forward them to hackers.

Number 8

"Help us find Hoffa ... and enjoy fares from just $39 each way."

- Marketing copy for Spirit Airlines's "Hunt for Hoffa" game, in which visitors to the carrier's Web site are asked to dig for the remains of the missing union leader. Besieged by complaints, the airline drops the promotion.

Number 20

Los Angeles-based Fiji Water runs magazine ads for its bottled water with the headline "The Label Says Fiji Because It's Not Bottled in Cleveland."

Cleveland officials retaliate by running tests revealing that Fiji bottled water contains 6.3 micrograms of arsenic per liter, while the city's tap water has none.

Fiji counters by saying its own tests found less than 2 micrograms per liter.

I haven't finished reading all of them, but what fun.

Fired With No Explanation

Hi Evil HR lady,

I was fired yesterday. The reason HR gave me was basically "It didn't work out." I was so shell-shocked at the time that I didn't ask for a clearer explanation, but the real reason is that my supervisor and I had a personality conflict.

My question: is there a way I can get a more exact explanation from the company for my getting fired? I would like something clear, because knowing the two parties, I imagine my supervisor had to go to her boss with something more credible than "I don't like her" to get me fired, and I'd like to know what that was.

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

First, let me offer you some sympathy. Losing your job is never pleasant--especially in a situation such as this. I hope you get a great new job quickly, that pays significantly more than the old one.

As to learning about the firing itself, my best answer for you is maybe you can find out, and maybe you can't.

The first thing to understand is that almost all employees in the United States are "at will" employees. This means you have no contract and you can quit or be fired at any time--for cause or no cause. Companies are not obligated to pay severance, but some do in such situations.

Second, since you were fired on Friday, I suggest the first thing on your to do list on Monday is to visit your local unemployment office. This website from the Department of Labor should help you with that. Apply for unemployment. Your company may contest it. If they do, they'll be required to show that you either a. quit or b. were fired for cause. Hopefully you'll be granted unemployment. It's not a huge amount of money, but any money is better than none. If they contest it, you'll find out more about what they were thinking.

If you were working for a small company and your boss and her boss were close, it may well be just a case of "I just don't get along with her." Or more likely, "I don't like her as much as [outside candidate] so let's do a quick fire and hire." Small companies frequently neglect to have consistent policies and practices and make decisions this way. While this is perfectly legal, you need to be really careful because it can open you up to a whole host of problems.

In a large company, or one with established policies and procedures (and a good HR department), there probably was a lot more involved. There were probably meetings where things were discussed and documented. You have a legal right to review your employment file and you should go ahead and do that. Don't be surprised if there isn't anything substantive in it. Especially since you think a personality conflict is the root cause.

But, you suspect there was more at play. So, try to find out. Wait a week--when things have calmed down and you're not angry. (Or at least, less angry.) Then call your former boss and say, "I understand that we had a few personality differences and I understand that contributed to your decision to terminate me. However, I would like to understand all the reasons behind your decision. I'm interested in moving on in my career and I don't wish to make the same mistakes again. Will you help me to understand what I can do to improve myself as an employee as I move on?"

Say this calmly. Perhaps write it down and read it. (I would probably start crying--so I'm definitely not saying it would be easy.) My wimpy side would say e-mail it, but your former boss probably doesn't want anything documentable.

Be prepared for a barrage of all your faults--real and imagined. If you truly want to know, just let her talk and take notes. If you just want someone to scream at about the unfairness of it all, skip the phone call.

But, you must also be prepared for a boss that doesn't want to talk. She doesn't have to. You're an at will employee and the official reason for firing can be, "because I wanted to." Most people like to hear themselves talk, though, so you'll probably get some information. Especially if you couch it in terms like, "what did I do wrong?" and "help me improve." Not, "why on earth did you fire me? I'm brilliant!" Which, of course, you are.

You may find out some very interesting information this way. It may help you correct flaws in your own personality. Or it may just make you glad you are gone from that job.

For other people who currently have personality conflicts with their bosses, you may want to start looking for something new. It's just always better to work with people you get along with.

Again, I'm so sorry you lost your job. I hope all goes well for you.

Sincerely,

Evil HR Lady

Who is in the Cube Next to You?

You think you know your co-workers, but do you really? Of course not. Most of us aren't in jobs that require psych evaluations (although I could make a case that employee relations people really should go through such a thing--dealing with problems all day long can be quite strenuous). Is someone like this sitting next to you?

The astronaut:

[Lisa Nowak]is charged with the attempted murder of a woman she believed to be her rival for the affections of a fellow astronaut. Police officials say she drove 900 miles to Florida from Texas, wearing a diaper so she would not have to stop for rest breaks. In Orlando, they say, she confronted her rival in a parking lot, attacking her with pepper spray.

Captain Nowak was in disguise at the time, wearing a wig, the police said. She had with her a compressed air pistol, a steel mallet, a knife, pepper spray, four feet of rubber tubing, latex gloves and garbage bags.

Those who know her say they are mystified. “I was in shock,” said Dennis Alloy, 43, of Tysons Corner, Va., a friend and high school classmate. “When I knew her, I couldn’t imagine an evil bone in her body.”

Or, the Cubicle annointer:

Evelyne Micky Shatkin worked at University of Texas at Arlington, where she had had a series of disputes with a co-worker, which after mediation, resulted an ultimatum from Human Resources: further problems could get you fired. Not satisfied, Shatkin held an after-work "prayer session", where, with another employee, Linda Shifflett, "anointed" the absent co-worker's cubicle with olive oil, purportedly because of fears that the co-worker was demonically oppressed, chanting "You vicious evil dogs. Get the hell out of here in the name of Jesus. ... I command you to leave." A third male co-worker, who had agreed to participate in the prayer, became uncomfortable with the use of monounsaturated fats, and reported the matter. The other two, acknowledging that the third was not an active participant, were fired, and are now suing, claiming religious discrimination (as well as age and sex discrimination because the third worker was not fired). (Eva-Marie Ayala"Women said peer was 'demonically oppressed'", Fort Worth Star-Telegam, Dec. 23; AP, Dec. 23). Shame on the Liberty Legal Institute for bringing the suit.

Or the Head of the Cartoon Network (although we admit, he probably wasn't in a cube):

The head of the Cartoon Network resigned Friday following a marketing stunt that caused a security scare in Boston.

The announcement about Jim Samples resigning was made in an internal memo sent to Cartoon Network staffers.

In a statement to employees, Samples said he regrets the stir that the stunt caused.

"It's my hope that my decision allows us to put this chapter behind us and get back to our mission of delivering unrivaled original animated entertainment for consumers of all ages," Samples said.

Or the illegal immigrants who asked immigration officers for a job:

A group of day laborers mistook the ICE agents as employers seeking help. The day laborers approached the agents in a parking lot, which the agents were using to regroup after an unrelated investigation. The agents say that after some questioning of the day laborers, they arrested 24 individuals on immigration charges.

"Fugitive aliens and other immigration status violators flaunt our laws and threaten the integrity of our immigration system," says John Alderman, ICE acting field office director in Baltimore. "Although ICE conducts targeted enforcement actions, we will not ignore immigration violations we encounter during the course of doing business."

Of those arrested, 10 were from Honduras, eight were from Mexico, five were from El Salvador, and one was from Peru. ICE says six had criminal records in the United States, eight had been previously removed and two had final orders of removal from an immigration judge. One individual from El Salvador had been caught attempting to cross the border illegally six previous times, according to ICE.

Fired

A friend sent me a link to an NPR interview with Annabelle Gurwitch, who has a new documentary out called Fired.

The NPR interview is great. Best part his her advice to "not answer the phone" when HR calls. "They're not calling to see if you want a new ... chair." She said you can't be fired if they can't get you on the phone. Just as a hint from someone who does firing, if you become difficult to find, we'll fire you via FedEx.

Listen to the interview and then click on the second link to see the preview.
I so want to see it, but it's not playing near me.

How to Gain the Eternal Love of the Evil HR Lady

In January my job share partner and I did a ton of work on a huge project for people in a different department. (Still HR, but not my department.) It was complicated, technical and critical and everything went well. Yippee! The other department people were wonderful and worked hard as well. We thought highly of them at the time.

Now, we love them. Why? As a thank you they sent us Ghirardelli Tower. One to each of us. At our homes, so we didn't even have to share with our co-workers.

Now we'll always put their requests first. Did I mention we love them?

Planes, Politics and Business

Three of my favorite topics--all rolled up in one post. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

Nancy Pelosi, as Speaker of the House, can ride in a military plane. As someone who has flown commercially and has flown in a private plane (albeit a 4 seater Piper Archer that only gets around 120-150 NMH), I can testify that private is so much easier. No long lines. No security. You ready to go? You leave. You land at an airport--usually the FBOs have nice treats and a supply of mouthwash, feminine hygiene products, hairspray and lotion in the bathrooms. What more can you ask for?

Well, if you're Nancy Pelosi, you ask for a Bigger Jet. She claims it is because the one used by the former Speaker can't make it to her home in San Francisco without stopping.

I have a hard time believing that. She says it's about security and not about her comfort. While I can't see any reason why it could truly be a security issue, she blew that by her next offer: Flying Commercial.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she might decline the use of Air Force planes to travel from Washington to her San Francisco district because the Pentagon won't guarantee her an aircraft that can make the trip non-stop.

``I have said that I am happy to ride commercial if the plane they have doesn't go coast to coast,'' Pelosi said today.

Nancy, darling, now you're sounding like a martyr. It's not about security--you'd be much safer on a military jet. It's not even about time. The amount of time it would take to fly commercial (including delays, missed flights and security lines) would be so much longer than flying in the military jet and stopping in North Dakota to refuel.

So, her extravagent request got exposed and now she's backpedaling and she's going to end up worse off than she was before. What did our mothers tell us? If you can't say something nice (about your free jet rides), don't say anything at all or you may und up in a middle seat in coach squished by two people who don't believe in regular showers? (I think that was how my mother said it, anyway.)

So, what does this have to do with business?

Just ask Mark Fields.

The head of Ford Motor Co.'s (NYSE:F - News) money-losing North American operations on Thursday told employees that he had given up use of a corporate jet for personal travel, an expensive benefit that had come under fire...
Fields trips from Detroit to his home in Florida became controversial in recent weeks after the provision in his contract was highlighted by a Detroit television station and challenged at a time when the automaker is losing billions and slashing jobs.
The cost of flying Fields for the fourth quarter of 2005 was $214,479, according to a proxy statement filed by Ford with the Securities and Exchange Commission in April. The automaker has not yet disclosed the cost for 2006.

Those that have to fly coach are not amused by such extravegant perks. For some reason, people will put up with excessive stock options, second homes, and drivers, but boy do we not like executives using corporate jets for personal use.

Speaker Pelosi should remember this if she wants to maintain her power. Most Executives should remember this--you never know when it will appear in the paper.

Tracking

I was reading Confessions of a Community College Dean and this struck me:

I learned this week that The Boy 's kindergarten class breaks up every few days for different reading levels, with TB and a few of his friends staying in their classroom while most of the class goes elsewhere, and a few kids from other classes stream in. They're the 'honors' group, in a sense. The fluent readers.

They're five years old.

Although the larger class is admirably multicultural and multiracial, there isn't a single black kid in the honors group.

It's the second half of kindergarten, and the tracking has already started.

It just didn't occur to me that it would start so early.

You remember from your school days--tracking. You were in the honors group, or the slow readers group or the advanced math group, et cetera. That all ended when you left school, right? Wrong.

The reality is, if you work for a large company, you're probably assigned to a group. In fact, your information and a profile are probably loaded into your company's Succession Planning tool.

This is great and good--it allows managers to plan ahead, see where weaknesses are and fill the management pipeline. It allows you to recruit people with strengths where your company has weaknesses and develop what needs to be developed. But, just like the track you were placed into in Kindergarten, it can be very difficult to change tracks.

Case in point from a friend:

I received my performance evaluation this year and my manager rated me "average" (3 on a 5 point scale). I asked what I need to do to be considered a 5 by the end of this year. She said, "that won't happen. Can you imagine the paperwork to justify a 2 level move?"

See, she had been "tracked" as an average performer. It will take her considerably more effort to be rated higher than someone who was previously tracked as a high performer.

So, what do you do about it? It depends. How much do you like your job and/or company? If you really want to stay where you are, you need to work harder and smarter than everyone else. You take whatever developmental classes you can take. You volunteer to take on the hard assignments and realize you will be criticized more than the "fast tracker" who sits next to you--regardless of what level you perform at.

My friend's manager gave her a clue that this path will be hard--she doesn't even want to consider the paperwork involved. This seems to me to be a ridiculous notion--if she does high level work, shouldn't the only paperwork required be a performance appraisal saying so? But, apparently not at her company.

I advised my friend to look for a new job--within the company if she wants to stay, but the easier path would be to look elsewhere. Why? Even with a new manager, your record follows you--just like your "permanent record" in school.

If you decide to move to a new company you get a clean slate for the first little while. Just remember, you'll be put into a track within a few months of landing that new job, so make sure you're constantly going above and beyond in the new job.

Carnival!

The Carnival of the Insantities is up at Dr. Sanity's place. My favorite for this week is a link to this Saturday Night Live Commercial that reminds you how to manage debt.

Re-Advising

I'm going to criticize a professional advice columnist again. Here's the letter in today's Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of my friends at work. We have a co-worker, "Madge," who had a stillborn baby last year. It was tragic. Our problem is, she keeps a photo of the deceased infant with its little eyes sewn shut on her desk in plain view, so that if we must interact with her (we have an open cubicle layout) we have to see it.

Is this appropriate? Ninety percent of the employees here are women. Most are appalled. Others say, "Well, it's all she has."

Madge is expecting again, and we are rooting for her and the baby. However, in addition to all this, she is mean and gossipy. Madge tells everyone what to do and how to do it -- which is not in her job description. I hope that when the baby arrives she will soften and not be so bitter. But, Abby, how on earth do we blow off that photo? -- APPALLED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR APPALLED: While a person's desktop is usually private territory, I agree that the photograph you describe is inappropriate in an office environment. Because Madge feels the need to keep the picture of her stillborn baby close, it should be kept in her purse with other family photos, or in her desk drawer.

How very sad that poor woman must be. The person who should deal with this delicate problem is the boss or the supervisor.

If a manager came to me with this situation, I'd ask the following questions:
1. Are other people allowed to have pictures of their family/friends/children on their desks?
2. Would this picture be appropriate if the baby had lived? (Granted, the eyes woudn't be sewn shut, but otherwise is it appropriate--size, placement, etc.)
If the answer to both these questions is "yes" then there is no way I would ask "Marge" to remove the picture of her baby.

I think the real key here is in the author's last paragraph: Marge is "mean and gossipy" and "tells us what to do." This is not about a memento of a lost baby. This is "we don't like Marge. If it was Carol in this situation, we'd understand, but Marge is a jerk." I'm surprised (well, not really) that Abby missed that part. Volunteered information that has no relation to the topic at hand is usually the most important piece of information.

The manager needs to address the Marge as a jerk issue, but not that picture. Granted, if she has it in a portrait size frame you can ask her to have a smaller picture to be more in line with the rest of the department (but it needs to apply to everyone--no pictures bigger than 5x7 or something). Chances are if all goes well with the new baby, the new baby's picture will take precedence over the deceased baby. But if not, deal with it.

UPDATE: I found an entire discussion the topic at Etiquette Hell. It was an interesting read.

Planning in Advance

I didn't watch the Super Bowl. In fact, I didn't even know who was playing until last night. But, I did manage to catch this commercial:

Ha! It applies to your job as well. Make sure you have marketable skills up to date. This is especially important for people who are strictly managers--you know, you just supervise others and don't know how to do the "work."

When layoffs come, it's that manager level that gets cut first--after all the work still has to be done. Just keep up on your skills.

Employees as Walking Lawsuits or Liability Part III

A whole bunch of people are going to get their rear ends fired--not laid off, I hope--but fired. And I hope they start with whoever the top person is that approved this stunt all the way down to the admin who knew about it but didn't do anything about it. From the New York Times

Boston temporarily closed parts of bridges, subway stations, an Interstate highway and even part of the Charles River on Wednesday after the authorities found what the police described as suspicious devices at nine places.

But the devices, which included circuit boards, turned out to be part of a marketing campaign by Turner Broadcasting to advertise a cartoon television show, “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.”

This may be creative, but it is a bad, bad, bad idea. You can say we're overly paranoid about terrorism. You can say we're not paranoid enough about terrorism. But the fact remains, law enforcement takes weird electronic devices found in key locations, like bridges, very seriously.

One person has been arrested, and I imagine others will follow. They'll probably not end up in jail, but rather paying huge fines. The Mayor of Boston is ticked and planning (it looks like) to not only sue but press charges:

“It is outrageous, in a post-9/11 world, that a company would use this type of marketing scheme,” Mr. Menino said in a statement. “I am prepared to take any and all legal action against Turner Broadcasting and its affiliates for any and all expenses incurred during the response to today’s incidents.”

So, the next time one of your employees has a "fabulous, creative idea," please run it by legal. Or someone with half a brain.

Motherhood and HR

While cleaning the greasy gunk out of the crevices of my stove, I had an epiphany: The reason HR is so female heavy is that HR fills that motherly role in the business. Some examples.

Mom: Has to clean up messes made by other people.
HR: Has to clean up messes made by other people. Got a terrible manager who is driving employees away? HR swoops in and tries to make the employees happy and the manager better. What about a case of sexual harrassment? HR to the rescue! Who has to testify when people are denied unemployment? HR! Get out your 409 and broom and come to HR!

Mom: Has to deliver nasty tasting medicine.
HR: Has to deliver bad news. "The company has decided that your position will be eliminated effective today." Or, "I understand you've been working very diligently towards this promotion, but we've decided to hire from the outside." Or, "The merit increase budget for this year is 2.5%."

Mom: Has to arrange play dates.
HR: Has to arrange job interviews. Do you know how frustrating this is? Manager: "I'm in desperate need of a new Sr. Lackey. I want to interview at least 5 candidates." So the Recruiter runs off and finds 5 quality candidates (not easy!) and then tries to schedule interviews. The manager then schedules vacation and business trips and wants the candidate to interview with 6 different team members who are also scheduling vacation and business trips. Plus most candidates are already employed and they have their own scheduling conflicts. And they wonder why it takes so long to fill positions.

Mom: Hands out allowance--on a small budget.
HR: Hands out increases--on an even smaller budget.

Mom: Runs the family bugdget--along with Dad.
HR: Responsible for runing salary increase programs, bonus programs, performance management programs, all under the watchful eye of finance.

Mom: While not being adequetly compensated, still responsible for seeing that all her children grow and progress and eventually become leaders in society.
HR: While not being adequetly compensated, still responsible for developing employees, filling leadership pipelines, and keeping people from "running away."

Liability II

Another thought on liability from Fortune:

In today's Sarbanes-Oxley world, the chief financial officer post - once a finishing school for future CEOs - has become the crummiest gig in the corporate suite. Combine the workload necessary to comply with the controversial 2002 legislation and the knowledge that you're almost certainly the sacrificial lamb if the SEC comes calling, and it's a recipe for skyrocketing turnover.

Maybe you want to stop climbing over people to reach the top. The view seems to be unpleasant.

Liability

Did you know you can be held legally responsible for things in your professional life? Ahh, 'tis true. Granted, doctors are aware of this--they carry malpractice insurance. So, do other professions. Do you?

I don't. (So don't bother suing me--you may win a judgment but all I'll be able to give you is whatever is in the checking accoung--currently $3.98) But, I could still be open to lawsuits, even though my advice is flawless. (Legal disclaimer: My advice is not flawless. And I am not a lawyer and I don't give legal advise. This is pure entertainment! Don't sue, please?)

Dr. Wes writes about why he's "dragging his heels" when it comes to new technology that would allow patients to be monitored from home--and that information sent to a doctor's office for analysis. He writes:

It’s not about just getting the data to the doctor. That, sir, is NOT healthcare. Instead, it’s about differentiating signal from noise. With a data dump to doctor’s offices, who will sift through the mountains of data (pun intended) to determine which data represent a problem in a particular patient versus a significant change? Data can change in expected ways when certain drugs are administered: like the elevation of a white blood count after steroids are administered. Will your little data processor be capable of making higher-order decisions? Unlikely.

More importantly, if a data point exceeds a pre-defined parameter and a doctor like me is notified by an e-mail using your handy-dandy device, who will follow-up to make sure I received and acted upon the notification? E-mailing data this way, without personal contact, is like planting a sinister bomb on my desk that is waiting to explode in my face. If I don't happen to check my e-mail that week because I am inundated by the scores of aged entering their twilight years, will you take the liability heat, or will I?

Dr. Helen picks up on his post and adds this thought:

The funny thing is, many times, the client, whoever that may be, balks at the idea that they cannot use their insurance for this type of forensic exam, or that if they have to pay out of pocket, the fee is not just a few bucks. Apparently, my time and exposure to liability means little--people think health service providers are a public commodity, to be used as cheap labor or thrown to the wolves if a patient is harmed in any way--either psychologically or medically because the doctor is overwhelmed with paperwork, patients and out-of-office monitoring. If out-of-office health technology is going to succeed, the liability issues and payment compensation for doctors needs to be worked out in a reasonable way.

Now, both of these people are involved in medical professions, which we all know has liability issues. But, check out the comments at Dr. Helen:

If you're in an equipment intensive business you can mitigate by isolating the gear into a separate corp that leases the stuff back to you so your business doesn't actually own anything but a desk and a phone.

As an IT guy, I've had people expect free time, expertise, etc. from me in gov, business and private. How is this different? Get sued? Sure. I wrote a bank wire application that handles 17B -- yes billion -- per day. I can get sued too.

EVERYONE is breaking MANY laws ALL the time, without even knowing it. I can think of five or six I am violating right now, so I am probably violating 20 or 30. The last violation began about 10 minutes ago - I installed a dimmer switch for the chandelier over our dining room table without getting a permit from the city building department; creating ongoing, intentional, and possibly negligent violations of a variety of ordinances.

Yikes! Are you liable for the advice you gave your neighbor? What about the report you presented to your CEO that got presented to Wall Street?

Most people won't sue, but those that have been caught in a law suit prefer not to do it again. Be careful out there.

Managers as Walking Lawsuits

One of my employee relations colleagues informed me that she can't help it--she just sees all managers as walking lawsuits. I laughed along with her, but it's really not funny. Managers do stupid things all the time--ask wrong questions in job interviews (Do you have children? You do? What are your childcare plans?) or promote people for the wrong reasons (hey, she's hot!) or play favorites or tell racist jokes or any number of other things.

We, in HR, can't even control ourselves, let alone our managers. We do try to train them in what can and cannot be said. Apparently, Virginia State University's HR department fell behind on training their managers that you shouldn't fire people for expressing opposing viewpoints and then replace them with your live-in-lover.

Cobbs and her supporters have said that she was dismissed for her political views (she is an outspoken black Republican at a historically black college where her views place her in a distinct minority) and for backing other professors (of a range of political views) in disputes with the Virginia State administration. In announcing the settlement of her case, the Virginia Association of Scholars — one of the groups backing Cobbs — said that information obtained by Cobbs’s lawyer showed that the university’s provost, W. Eric Thomas, replaced Cobbs with a woman with whom he is living.

Cost the university $600,000.

Recording Your Employees

Dear Evil HR Lady

I have a question about firing people. Let’s say that someone is being fired for siphoning off company client lists and selling them to a major competitor. We obviously are going to fire the person, but we want to get as much information from him as possible, so we are having an exit interview, where he will be presented with all the information we have about the bad things he has done. The hope, he will expound or at least confirm. The question is, IS IT OK TO RECORD THIS TERMINATION INTERVIEW?

Sincerely,

And We're Suing Him Too!

Dear Suing Boss,

Get a lawyer.

Sincerely,

Evil HR Lady

Okay, Okay, I called a lawyer for you. I happen to have a lawyer brother. (Note, he's not Evil Lawyer Brother because that would be redundant, don't you think?) He said that in the state he practices in, it would be perfectly legal as long as the person conducting the interview was aware that the interview was being recorded. However, he cautioned that not all states would have the same rule, so get your own lawyer first.

Employees have no expectation of privacy at work. (Remember, this means your employer can and probably does monitor your e-mail and internet usage--but it's still okay to read Evil HR Lady at work. Really. Please?) But, you do want to be careful with how far you go with monitoring.

If you commonly made it a habit to record employees (even during benign exit interviews) you could end up with every good employee quitting and only those who couldn't possibly find another job staying. At best, you would end up with people saying the following in their exit interviews: "Oh, I love it here so much. These people are all like family to me. I don't know why I'm leaving. Did I mention I love it here and love my boss--and you Miss HR Person, I just want you to know this is the best HR department I've ever encountered." Gah! You actually want truth in these things, which is why we keep exit interview information confidential.

This, of course, is an extenuating circumstance. Your errant employee is in a whole heap of trouble. My true recommendation is regardless of what your attorney says about recording the interview, you have your lawyer present during the termination. And make sure you are calm about the confrontation. No screaming about how the employee is ruining your company. Present the facts and ask him what went on.

I do not envy you, however. Unpleasant all around. But, I am very glad you are firing this person and letting him know why.

Good luck,

Sincerely

Evil HR Lady (signing off for real this time)

Hear the Evil HR Lady!

I had the great honor of being interviewed by Wayne Turmel of the Cranky Middle Manager. The interview is now posted here.

So, pop on over and listen and then tell me what you think. Unless you didn't like it. Then pretend you are my mother and practice saying, "that was very nice, dear."

Metrics

I have, shall we say, "eclectic" interests. But fortunately, all roads lead to HR, so it works out for you all.

I found this article from the The New Yorker titled, "How childbirth went industrial." How could I not read that? The most fascinating part was the creation and insitution of the APGAR score--used to evaluate new babies.

The score was published in 1953, and it transformed child delivery. It turned an intangible and impressionistic clinical concept—the condition of a newly born baby—into a number that people could collect and compare. Using it required observation and documentation of the true condition of every baby. Moreover, even if only because doctors are competitive, it drove them to want to produce better scores—and therefore better outcomes—for the newborns they delivered.

Around the world, virtually every child born in a hospital had an Apgar score recorded at one minute after birth and at five minutes after birth. It quickly became clear that a baby with a terrible Apgar score at one minute could often be resuscitated—with measures like oxygen and warming—to an excellent score at five minutes. Spinal and then epidural anesthesia were found to produce babies with better scores than general anesthesia. Neonatal intensive-care units sprang into existence. Prenatal ultrasound came into use to detect problems for deliveries in advance. Fetal heart monitors became standard. Over the years, hundreds of adjustments in care were made, resulting in what’s sometimes called “the obstetrics package.” And that package has produced dramatic results. In the United States today, a full-term baby dies in just one out of five hundred childbirths, and a mother dies in one in ten thousand. If the statistics of 1940 had persisted, fifteen thousand mothers would have died last year (instead of fewer than five hundred)—and a hundred and twenty thousand newborns (instead of one-sixth that number).

Isn't that amazing? The institution of a way to monitor and quantify information ended up leading to the saving of millions (over the years) of lives. Develop a metric that truly measures what you need and then follow its advice.

I read about another interesting metric involving Master's Degrees for Teachers. Turns out that there isn't much evidence that a teacher with an advanced degree is a better teacher than one without. Yet, most teachers receive a premium for obtaining one.

Hmmm, we had a metric (number of teachers with master's degree) to compare with another metric (student success rate) and we thought the first should cause the second, (more educated teacher=better teacher), but current evidence suggests that's not true.

I doubt anyone in the United States would deny that there are some problems in education. Granted, many children receive fine educations--I believe I was one of the lucky ones--but many do not. The APGAR score saves lives. Can't we develop a metric that will help us save children?

I realize with the "save the children" language, I'm starting to sound like (horrors!) a liberal, but what I'm really saying is let's gather evidence and act on it.

And whose job is it to figure such things out? Drum Roll Please...Human Resources! That's right. Teachers are employees. Employee success and failure should be monitored and evaluated by HR professionals with an understanding of measurement. Are the things we are focusing our money on really bringing about success? If yes, great. If no, change needs to be made.

Metrics in HR is a relatively new field. Prior to its implementation, many HR departments were very warm and fuzzy but very unhelpful to the business. We're still warm and fuzzy (at least when non HR people are around--when we're alone, we're rather cranky), but now we understand the need for numbers to back up what we do.

If your HR department hasn't developed good ways to measure success, they should. If they need help, they should contact Evil HR Lady, who would be happy to help them out. For a small fee. (Hey, I'm a free market capitalist--remember?)

It's Not Just in Politics

When running for office Tennessee Democrat Stephen I. Cohen pledged that he would join the Congressional Black Caucus if elected. Not an overly dramatic pledge--most politicians pledge something like single handedly bringing about world peace--but a pledge that should be fairly easy to keep. Except for one small problem--Representative Cohen is white.

He represents a district that is largely African American and thought his constituents concerns would be similar to his collegeagues' concerns in the Black Caucus. They did not want him to join.

Cohen said he became convinced that joining the caucus would be "a social faux pas" after seeing news reports that former Rep. William Lacy Clay Sr., D-Mo., a co-founder of the caucus, had circulated a memo telling members it was "critical" that the group remain "exclusively African-American."

Other members, including the new chairwoman, Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, D-Mich., and Clay's son, Rep. William Lacy Clay, D-Mo., agreed.

"Mr. Cohen asked for admission, and he got his answer. ... It's time to move on," the younger Clay said. "It's an unwritten rule. It's understood. It's clear."

Well, that's politics right? You and I aren't running for office. (Oh, wait, I am running for office.)

The same type of exclusionary policies are likely happening at your office. Are you a male that wants to join the "Women's Leadership Seminar"? Good luck. Several companies I have worked for have programs just for minorities and females. White males need not apply.

This is something I don't understand. Do white males by virtue of the combination of skin color and Y chromosomes automatically know how to navigate the corporate world? Do people without that blessed combination not know how to do it and need guidance?

My experience has been that very few people have an innate knowledge of how to advance in corporate America. Most people learn by trial and error and seeking out a mentor. Groups that help people succeed are great. But the end goal should be sucessful people, not specialized help for a specific group.

I Totally Agree With This

Casa del Herrero Se Usan Cucharas de Madera

At the silverware makers house, they eat with wooden spoons.

Rabble told me this one today, in reponse to my comment that everywhere I've worked, the HR department was the worst of all groups at actually firing incompetent people.

From Caterina.net

I don't want to say too much, but it's seriously a problem. I think it's partly because it's very easy to sit in a meeting with a manager discussing an employee that you don't know personally and recommend termination. It's a different story when you know the person, may like the person, know they have 3 kids and a mortgage. And we have no one to go to for advice and support.

Things That Shouldn't Matter that Do

Your Looks:

Attractive people earn about 5 percent more in hourly pay than their average-looking colleagues, who in turn earn 9 percent more per hour than the plainest-looking workers.

This means if an average-looking person earned $40,000, their prettiest co-workers would make $42,000 while their least attractive colleagues brought home just $36,400.

Plain-looking workers may also receive fewer promotions than those awarded to their more striking contemporaries.

Where You Work:

Telecommuters are less likely to get promoted than peers who head into the office every day, according to a global survey of 1,300 executives released Tuesday by Los Angeles-based executive search firm Korn/Ferry International.

That's even though most of the executives consider telecommuters to be at least as productive as their desk-bound colleagues, according to the survey. And three-quarters of those bosses also said they'd like a job in which they could regularly telecommute.

Your Personality:

Here at Fast Company, our top managers and editors were all recently asked to take the MBTI evaluation and submit their results to HR, resulting in more than a little anxiety. What would the results be used for? Who would get to see them? What if my type didn't match what the boss thought he wanted in a management-level person? Turns out that these are all questions every applicant should feel confident asking their managers or prospective managers administering a personality test. Try to understand why your manager is interested in personality theory. Remember that this process gives you as much insight into the corporate management philosophy as the test will give the company into your personal philosophy. "They can be useful learning tools," says Lara Kammrath, who teaches management at Columbia's Graduate School of Business, "but are worrying in other uses because of their very low ability to predict actual workplace behaviors."

Help, I'm Surrounded by Jerks

Not really. The only person in the same room as me is my husband and he's not a jerk. We don't even have the television on. (Although if we did, we'd be watching our DVD of House--and House is definitely a jerk.)

Anyway, it's another New York Times article. It's a common problem. Someone in your office, your family, your neighborhood or you grocery store is a jerk. And you have to deal with them.

This quote kills me, though:

For Ann Rothman, a Manhattan real estate agent, her difficult person is a know-it-all friend who simply cannot be pleased.

“She’s a superior human being, and she comes from a superior area — Berkeley, Calif.,” Ms. Rothman said. “She has told me many times that there are only two places to get good food. One of them is Berkeley, and one of them is France. And France is only second to Berkeley.”

Umm, Ms. Rothman, I realize it's cool to be interviewed by the New York Times and all, but now you are the jerk. Everyone who knows you will know which friend you are talking about and you've just embarrassed her in front of the world.

A small hint for those of you who are wondering whether or not to say something. When we advise people to stop and think if they really want to read that on the front of the New York Times, we realize most things never will. However, if the perosn you are talking to is a New York Times reporter--well, if you can't say anthing nice, don't say anything at all.

Read their suggested books and take them to heart. That way you'll stop bothering your poor employee relations person with your complaints.

Race and Your Business

"The auditors are here." These can be some of the scariest words an HR manager can hear. People showing up to make sure you are not discriminating--and keep in mind the discrimination doesn't have to be on purpose. It can be due to disparate impact.

Two articles on this topic caught my eye. The first is from the New York Times--an article about a restaurant accused of discrimination. It raises these questions:

WHATEVER the outcome, Mr. Boulud’s headaches bring to light a common problem in high-end restaurants around the country. In an industry that relies largely on immigrants, just how difficult is it for workers who don’t speak English as a first language to get ahead? And at what point does hiring someone to achieve a certain look or style in a restaurant turn into racism?

The second article was from a CNN Transcript. A woman, Lisa Bailey, was denied a job at Harvard because she had poor credit. She claims discrimination--because minorities tend to have worse credit scores than whites a policy of making decisions based on credit has a "disparate impact" on minorities. Therefore, she claims, it is a discriminatory policy. She's suing and apparently has the backing of the EEOC.

For the record, her job involved handling money. Companies should be very careful who they let handle their money. But if your poor credit is due to periods of unemployment or medical bills or something outside your control, is it fair?

Well, life is never fair. But should companies be allowed to make decisions based on how they want their restaurant to "look" or what people's credit scores are? Whatever you think the answer should be, remember the EEOC has their own opinion and as a business owner, you better be in compliance.

Managing, American Idol Style

I've seen maybe 2 episodes of American Idol, so I'm definitely not in the "fan" category, although considering its popularity I'm probably one of the few. I believe part of its appeal is how mean the judges are. The Washington Post's Lisa de Moraes reviews the early auditions and quotes many a rude and condescending statement from the judges, but she also (perhaps inadvertantly) says something about workers in general by giving the singers' responses. Note this interchange between Simon and an Idol hopeful:

"I don't want to patronize you but it's never gonna work for you, darling," Simon sneers.

"I'm sorry but we're trying to find the best, and that was so far away from it."

"Oh my God!" Rhode wails.

"No way. Please no, please!" she begs.

"The good news is today you found out you're not going to be [a singer] so you can just -- move on," Simon says therapeutically while she weeps.

Rhode seeks comfort from her family outside. "I really thought I had it. I thought I was ready. They said I'm not even a good singer," she sobs.

Simon is rude. That's part of the charm of the show. But, this is also where I wish managers would be a little bit more like him.

He tells her the "good news"--she's not a singer. The implication is she's never going to be a singer and so she should just move on. Do you know how rare it is for managers to divulge that piece of information? Please note that the singer had no idea she was a bad singer.

I once had an accountant share with me how excited he was to have finally passed the CPA exam--after only taking it yearly for 10 years! Someone should have said after the 3rd failure, "The good thing is, you weren't meant to be a CPA, now you can move on."

I once dealt with a salesman who was part of a downsizing--but he was specifically selected because he had such poor sales results. Obviously, he knew his own results, but he was convinced he wanted to be a salesman. Several years later he contacted me again--he'd just left another job in sales because the management was "so mean" and wanted to know if he could work for my company again. Ummmm, no? He wouldn't have applied but he'd contacted his former boss for a reference who had said, "Oh, I wish I had an opening for you, but I don't."

Granted, the boss was trying to be nice, but instead he prolonged this guy's opinion that sales was the right area for him. It wasn't. He needed to know the truth and move on.

Truth can really hurt. It's unpleasant to say mean things, but remember it is also "mean" to not say what you "mean." The former boss meant, "I can't rehire you because you're a horrible salesman" but the employee heard, "I would hire you if I could and I wish I had an opening for you."

It's not the employee's fault. The manager said what the employee heard, it's just not what he meant.

So mean what you say--even if it causes you to be a little mean. You can be nice in your meanness, just don't cloud the meaning.

Confidential Information

"Shhh, it's absolutely confidential."

I don't know how many times people have come to my office, shut the door behind them and said those words, or something similar. Then they tell me something intensely dull and boring ("We're thinking of rolling out a new benefits form. This one won't mention the actual dollar amount of the copays. We're hoping to cut down on complaints.")

Okay, there are some interesting things said as well. Well, they used to be interesting. Everything is interesting to the new person in HR. You get to know who is being hired and who is being fired, who committed "gross misconduct" (don't ask) and what everyone's raise is going to be. Yippee! Except that after you've seen your 27,000th raise that week and audited the data until your eyeballs bled you don't care much.

Except, when everyone is intent on keeping this particular piece of confidential information so confidential that you can't discuss it with your co-workers, superiors or (heaven forbid), underlings. Then, it becomes interesting. Oh, not that Jane Doe is being fired because her work has really gone down hill over the past 6 months. That's old hat. What is interesting is the reasons they want to keep it confidential.

Now, granted, all of this is still interesting to those outside of HR. But those of us in the thick of it just don't care any more. So, here are my thoughts about keeping HR information from other HR people.


1. If you can't keep your mouth shut, you have no business being in HR. Instead of HR bigwigs thinking up all sorts of rules to keep information under lock and key, they should hire people who can deal with it and fire people who can't.

2. Race and Gender are fairly obvious things. Really, they are. So, don't get all freaky about a report on another HR professional's desk that contains that information about employees. Yes, we don't post our racial makeup in the company cafeteria, but we're all HR here. Plus, we have access to the system and can run our own reports that display that information, if we so desire. HR can get way too panicked about such things and the results are almost comical.

3. We know executives are overpaid. We wish we were executives. We do not discuss executive salaries with people who do not need to know So, when you are in my office, asking a compensation question, if the door is shut, you don't need to whisper and tell me that this is "really confidential". First of all, even if the people around me could hear, they don't care. Second, they have access to the information as well and could look it up. Third, it's another executive salary question. It's not interesting.

4. When you try to hide what you have done, more people end up knowing about it then would ordinarily know. And more discussion takes place then would normally take place. Why? Because we have to call people and ask them to go outside normal channels. They need approval to go around established rules. So, they have to call people. Everyone has to explain to everyone else why we need this exception. ("Because it's confidential. Shh!") If you just followed normal procedures, whatever exception you thought was so juicy would be processed and ignored just like everything else.

Now, for outside HR, none of the above apply. (Well, number 4 applies everywhere. The more you try to hide, the more widely it will be known.) But inside? Either be a professional about confidential information or get out. One bad apple makes the rest of us crabby.

I'm Not That Kind of Blog!

I can see what words people put into Google to find my blog. Today I got a hit from the following search:

"How to make a lady pregnant."

Ummm, I don't think I was what you were looking for. But, welcome anyway!

Those Policies Really Do Make A Difference

Perks, we like to call them, (although the spelling bothers me because it's a shortening of perquisite, so I swear it should be perq, but then you have a q at the end and that's just not done). Do they make a difference?

Absolutely, and that is why HR departments should think long and hard about what ones they offer. (I have a list of the ones I want--let's start with telecommuting!) I just read in the New York Times that because government workers get free parking in NYC, 35% of them drive to work. Have you ever driven in Manhattan? I have. It falls into the "extremely unpleasant" category. But, hey, you have to pay to park at the train station, you have to pay for the train, but you get free parking? Might as well drive. That's an impact, all right.

One little perk, I have (which has kept me bound not only to my company, but to my particular department) is the ability to come in a little late every morning. I have an hour commute and a child in daycare and a husband who can't find his wallet in the morning, so I usually arrive around 9:15. In some departments that would mean a sure firing. My boss has two children in school and a husband--although I don't know if he loses his wallet regularly--so she understands. Huge perk (and it doesn't cost the company a penny.)

I've written about Best Buy's Results Oriented Work Environment before. Employees get to set their own schedules--work from home (or a coffee shop, or a ski lodge) if they desire. The result of this perk?

Since the program's implementation, average voluntary turnover has fallen drastically, CultureRx says. Meanwhile, Best Buy notes that productivity is up an average 35% in departments that have switched to ROWE. Employee engagement, which measures employee satisfaction and is often a barometer for retention, is way up too, according to the Gallup Organization, which audits corporate cultures.

Turnover is down, productivity is up, as is employee satisfaction. Are you listening HR departments? They didn't increase salaries, they increased non-monetary perks. (And I would imagine with telecommuting, you cut down on office space costs, which can be tremendous!)

Another company with fabulous perks is the SAS Institute.

It started with free M&M’s. Now there’s a country club, on-site Montessori daycare, on-site doctors and nurses, 35-hour work week, live piano music during lunch, 50.000 square foot fitness center, swimming pools, no dress-code, masseur, on-site car detailing. And more. If you need assistance in adopting a child or finding a college for your child or a nursing home for a parent, they have people to help you with that too.

Boy, you could definately get my loyalty for free M&Ms. (I'm starting to think--I just might be a little too focused on candy. Can you tell that I'm back on my diet?)

What perks does your company have, and what perks would you love to see added?

Some New (to me) links

The blogosphere is an amazing thing. I wanted to share some great sites I've just found (or in several cases, they found me.)

Recruiting Fly is a great blog which brings in information on recruiting and HR in general. Run by C.M. Russell, he always seems to find interesting things first.

The Cranky Middle Manager is a podcast show, hosted by Wayne Turmel. He interviews fascinating authors and experts in business. And I'm not just saying that because I'll be on an upcoming podcast. Wayne also writes at Management Issues which is another great site. Hop over and read his column about Santa's Annual Performance Review.

Recruiting.com gathers HR articles from around the web. Then you get to vote on how much you liked them.

Don't worry--I'm going to add all these to my links, but not right now. Now I'm off to work--to add a little more HR love to the world.

Minimum Wage

The House approved a minimum wage hike today. Now, just to get my cards on the table, I am a free market capitalist. A hard core free market capitalist, if the truth be told.

When proponents start spouting about how wonderful it is to increase wages of those at the bottom of the pay scale, I always say the following thing. "I agree. And I think there needs to be a specific minimum wage for accountants."

"What?" they invariably respond. "Accountants make much more than the minimum wage."

"Oh, I know, but I think we need a new, accountant minimum wage. I say $50,000 a year."

"You're whacked, lady."

"Well, yes, but why not? If we can mandate a mimimum wage for fast food workers, why not accountants?"

"Because fast food employees need more money to have a living wage."

"Accountants need a living wage too. They probably have student loans. Plus, what if they are married, with kids, living in an expensive area? They need guarenteed paychecks as well. Sure, some jobs labeled "accounting" aren't really CPA type jobs, but I don't want to leave those people out. I don't think $50,000 is too much to ask."

"The market and each accounts abilities determines their salaries--we don't need--"

And at that point I smile and say, "we don't need a minimum accountant wage because the market and their abilities determine their salaries? Shouldn't we allow the market and abilities determine everyone's wage? I can't hire you unless you bring me more money than it costs to employ you. Creating a minimum wage just means that if you aren't capable of bring me more than $7.25 an hour then I have to fire you. Sorry about that."

Reality is, very few people earn minimum wage. And most who do, only do so for a short time period. Most are young and do not need a true "living wage." Why? Mom and Dad are supporting the living. The worker is supporting music, a car, and good times with friends.

In my town, I doubt there are any jobs that pay the minimum wage. I see fast food restaurants advertising "Staring at $8.50 an hour." Why? Because that is what the market demands.

For an interesting article on the impact on the proposed wage increase, the Washington Post published an article titled Life at $7.25 an Hour that discusses some of the people who will be affected by the raise in the minimum wages. Regarding a store owner:

It's not that he's against raising the minimum wage -- "I don't think $5.15 is adequate," he said, adding that $7.25 seems fair -- but his profit margin is thin, and wages are his biggest controllable expense. So if wages go up, he said, hours will have to come down, and the question will become: Whose?

And a low paid employee:

At the register, meanwhile, Shannon Wilk, 33, who makes $6.25 an hour, said that of course she would like to earn more money. It would help her. It would help her 18-month-old daughter. "It would be good," she said, "but also, for me, I live in income-based housing, and if I get a raise, my rent would go up, and I would lose my assistance." Even the tiniest raise would affect her, she said, and with nowhere to go, the last thing she can afford is a raise to $7.25.

Interesting.

Does This Sound Like Your Boss?

I found this list about bosses today and it made me giggle a little. My two favorites:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

Carnival Time!

Dr. Sanity has the Carnival of the Insanities posted.

My favorite (besides the announcement of my own Senate Campaign) is this video about Spiders on Drugs.

I am Officially Announcing My Candidacy for Senate

As my regular readers know, I have two degrees in Political Science. (Yes, one alone only bordered on foolishness, so I had to get two so I would be completely unemployable. Now you understand how I ended up in HR.) One would think with my knowledge of things political, some professor somewhere--or a text book, or an American Journal of Political Science article--something, would have told me this:

The Senate has a candy desk.

One of the senators' desks is dedicated to candy. It used to belong to Rick Santorum, but since he lost his last election, it's now been assigned to the senator from Wyoming. This is problematic--everyone knows PA candy (Hersheys, anyone?), but Wyoming?

So, to rectify this situation and get free candy, I officially announce my candidacy for Senate. I'll worry about my platform later. There isn't a Senate race until 2010 for my state, so I have a few months to prepare my candidacy.

I'm accepting applications for campaign managers and lackeys. If I win, I'll let you have access to the candy desk.

How Not to be Evil

People, people, people. How many times do I have to explain this? If you are going to be evil, you do it in a closed board room allowing only those who have taken blood oaths to keep your evil ways secret. You do not do it via e-mail. E-mail is forever.

From the Wall Street Journal (sorry, you have to be a subscriber to read it all):

Abbott's sickening plot: E-mail trail shows efforts to price-gouge on its AIDS drug c included proposal to sell its own cheaper drug, Norvir, only in a liquid form that tastes like vomit

John Carreyrou
CR Wall Street Journal

In fall 2003, Abbott Laboratories grew worried about new competition to its flagship AIDS drug, Kaletra. Then it seized on an unusual weapon that helped Kaletra's global sales top $1 billion a year, even as it exposed Abbott to criticism that it was endangering patients.
The weapon was an older Abbott AIDS drug called Norvir. It is a key part of a drug treatment that involves taking Norvir and rival companies'pills. Previously undisclosed documents and e-mails reviewed by the Wall Street Journal show how Abbott executives discussed ways to diminish the attraction of Norvir, with the goal of forcing patients to drop the rival drugs and turn to Kaletra.

At one point, the executives debated removing Norvir pills from the U.S. market and selling the medicine only in a liquid formulation that one executive admitted tasted like vomit. The taste would discourage use of Norvir and competitors' drugs and bring customers back to Kaletra, the executives reasoned, and Abbott could claim it needed Norvir pills for a humanitarian effort in Africa. Another proposal was to stop selling Norvir altogether.

Blech. And just after I said I had great respect for pharma companies.

Other Bloggers Are Doing My Job Today

Not that they know they are. But, hey thanks! Ann Althouse and Dr. Helen both have job related posts up today, so I'm just going to blog off their blogging. Talk about lazy!

(Then again, I realize that most of my readers read this at work, so no finger pointing about laziness. You should be working! And how do I know this? Because from December 22 through January 1 my hits were pathetic. Then come January 2--the first big back to work day, and they are up very high. Same phenomenon all over the blogosphere. But, I'm digressing again. I should have made staying on the same subject one of my New Year's Resolutions.)

Anyway, Althouse posts about a NYT article on Google's new hiring practice. It sounds cool to me. Here's a quote from the Original Article:

Desperate to hire more engineers and sales representatives to staff its rapidly growing search and advertising business, Google — in typical eccentric fashion — has created an automated way to search for talent among the more than 100,000 job applications it receives each month. It is starting to ask job applicants to fill out an elaborate online survey that explores their attitudes, behavior, personality and biographical details going back to high school.

I think that is so cool. I hope it works for them.

“As we get bigger, we find it harder and harder to find enough people,” said Laszlo Bock, Google’s vice president for people operations. “With traditional hiring methods, we were worried we will overlook some of the best candidates.”

I seriously believe this is a problem. Some people are fabulous workers, but simply don't interview well. Some people are great in interviewing and terrible workers. I'll be interested to see how it all turns out. Knowing Google, I suspect it will.

Dr. Helen blogs about Queen Bees in the workforce. A study was done in Spain where men and women were presented with profiles and asked to assess the candidates:

The study found that when presented with applications for promotion, women were more likely than men to assess the female candidate as less qualified than the male one...

The study says: “Female participants had a stronger tendency than male participants to view the female candidates as less qualified than the male candidate . . . they also thought that the female candidate would fare worse in the future in her job than the male candidate.”

Interesting. It certainly was that way in Jr. High. Are women more of a threat to other women? In my professional career, I've only had one male supervisor, (welcome to HR) so I don't really feel qualified to make an over-arching judgment. I have had fabulous female bosses and really, really lousy ones. Some of the female managers I know will do anything to keep their people down. Some will do anything to bring them up.

I would be interested in seeing more studies like this.

HR Deals with Healthcare, Right?

Okay, I'm not a benefits administrator, nor do I ever plan to be one. But, HR usually is responsible for picking out health plans, which relates directly to your health care, which is why I'm blogging about this essay in the New York Times:What’s Making Us Sick Is an Epidemic of Diagnoses

The authors argue that it doesn't make sense that we are all suffering from additional diseases when everyone is living so much longer. They write:

Most of us experience physical or emotional sensations we don’t like, and in the past, this was considered a part of life. Increasingly, however, such sensations are considered symptoms of disease. Everyday experiences like insomnia, sadness, twitchy legs and impaired sex drive now become diagnoses: sleep disorder, depression, restless leg syndrome and sexual dysfunction.

They also write about the "medicalization of childhood" where every sniffle is a reason for treatment. I must say I agree with them.

All of these treatments, of course, cost money. Of course, you, the consumer, don't generally care how much they cost because you have insurance. The most I pay for a prescription is $25 for a month supply. If I order it from my prescription provider they'll give me 3 months for $25. I don't think about cost when my physician writes a prescription and neither does he, because he knows I have insurance.

And who pays for most of that insurance? Employers do. And health care costs are skyrocketing, yet we don't see a correlation between what we do and what the costs are. Maybe we'd all get bigger raises if our employers weren't paying for what used to be considered normal life.

Happy New Year!

The Evil family celebrated New Year's Eve by visiting relatives, eating macaroni and cheese and falling asleep by 11:00. We're so hip we can hardly stand it.

But, in the spirit of the holiday, I will make some resolutions.

1. Update blog description (already done! I'm so on top of things.)
2. Exercise at least once in 2007
3. No library fines--well, how about fewer libary fines? I have a real problem with this.

So, those are my New Year's Resolutions. I look forward to a new year of HR fun.