Education as Business

I'm fascinated by the topic of education. In fact, I probably should have been a teacher, except that I rather dislike other people's children. (Some of you will now be saying, well none of my teachers liked kids either, so what stopped you?)

So, I keep up on education. But with all my reading and high level of interest, what I've never understood is why schools aren't run after business models. Jay Matthews, at the Washington Post recently did an article discussing Schools of Education (or Ed Schools, as they are referred to). He writes

[A]growing number of educators say ed schools fail to give teachers enough background in their subject matter, fail to prepare them for the difficulties of urban schools and fail to recruit the best students.

Matthews goes on to say that principals are, by and large, dissastisfied with the level of preparation achieved by their recent ed school graduates and some are looking towards people who come from other sources.

This is where business models seem to scream out to me, "try this for education!" Think about your current job. Then think about your undergraduate experience. How many of your classes directly relate to your current job? (And for my brother-in-law, the accountant, just be quiet, you'll ruin my whole theory.) My bet is, not very many.

Oh there are areas (such as accounting) where specific data is critical. And if you want to be an engineer, you better know some math. And I'm definitely not saying that medical school is not necessary for doctors. But, I am talking about the majority of the white collar workforce.

Being in Human Resources, I have access to data about all employees, including information on their degrees. It's all over the map. There are English majors in Finance and Finance majors in HR. There are nurses in marketing and liberal arts majors in IS. How on earth did all these people get proficient in their jobs without a specific education? They learned on the job.

My first HR job, my boss pointed to a woman and said, "She's the head of HRIS." I nodded, but had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. (For those of you, not in in HR--HRIS is HR Information Systems--it's the techy side of HR, where I have made most of my career.) I had to ask what an "exempt" employee was. Did I know the rules regarding records retention? Absolutely not. I learned it all on the job.

When I hired people that were to report to me, my criteria was that they were smart and willing to learn. I didn't require a degree from a specific school in a specific major. In fact, the job postings said "Degree in Business, Human Resources, Social Sciences, Computer Science, liberal arts or similar." Can you get any more open and inclusive then that? I got great employees that way.

So, back to ed schools. Teach For America sends teachers with minimal training into schools. My question, is how do they compare with the the teachers trained by ed schools? If it's the same or better, then why are we spending money on ed schools?

And then there is the money factor. First of all, I am not in any way advocating that more money be spent on education. We are all going broke paying for public education. What I want is a re-allocation of money. We average $8,287 per student in the US. At 22 students per class, that $182,314 per year. Give me that much money, I'll pay a teacher a great salary, build a school, buy textbooks and still have enough left over to give me a nice little bonus.

Unless you either a. loved children more than anything in the world or b. couldn't get a job doing anything else or c. had other sources of income, why would you teach? Admins in my department (college degree not required) make more than new teachers. Any business person will tell you that you have to offer the right salary to attract the right people.

Business people will also tell you that you need the ability to fire. Teachers are notoriously difficult to fire. (Read this if you don't believe me.)

I admit, I don't know everything there is to know about education. And yes, I've read the blueberry analogy and I think it's a false one. And please note, I have said nothing about test scores. That's for another post on another day.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is one of the best days of the years. Let's face it--it's a holiday that is about candy. What is there not to love?

There are no family obligations. No presents for picky relatives. (Not that any of my relatives are picky--especially the ones who read this blog. Love ya!) You buy a couple of pumpkins, carve 'em up and throw them on the front porch. Then you buy more candy than you should and you hand it out to adorably dressed children. (I don't much care for the 16 year olds that put on one of their dad's ties and show up at 9:30, with not so much as a word--just an outstretched hand.)

And that's it! That's Halloween.

Boo!

UPDATE: I just found this article about teens who trick-or-treat. Seems I'm not the only one who is annoyed.

Insanity

The Carnival of the Insanities is up over at Dr. Sanity. There are great posts and a link to 5000 Years of Middle East History in 90 seconds. Talk about cool.

And You Think Your Job Requries A Lot of You

You honestly could not pay me enough money to do this.



(Via Ann Althouse)

A Job For Those Who Don't Want to be Wealthy

Dancer. That's right, according to this Bankrate article" the wealthy dancer is an oxymoron.

"The vast majority of dancers cannot make a living off of dancing alone as a performer," says John Munger, director of research and information for Dance/USA, an American dance service organization. "I believe less than 3,000 actually do in the entire nation."

So why do all my friends make huge sacrifices to get develop their daughters' dancing skills? I'm not talking about dance class once a week. (I'm in favor of that--it's good exercise.) I'm talking about 4 hours of class a day. Putting dance ahead of homework.

I wonder if they know the expected payoff? I think not.

Why I Don't Live in an Apartment

NYC apartment woes.

Enough said.

UPDATE: For SheSaid who doesn't wish to register with the NY Times. (I have a hotmail address that I use for all such registration.) Here are some of my favorite quotes:

“One night, the sound was so horrendous I went up and knocked on the door for the first time,” said Ms. Bielfield, a retired publishing and marketing executive in her 70’s. “She opened the door and in the background I could see this youngster”— the neighbor’s 5- or 6-year-old grandson — “jumping up and down on a trampoline. With no carpet underneath. She said, ‘I’ll do whatever I want’ and slammed the door in my face.”

One downstairs neighbor, an elderly woman, grew irate when the 5- and 10-year-old boys upstairs bounced balls. “She would complain to the doorman, the super, the managing agent,” said Jennifer Roberts, a senior vice president at Bellmarc who had sold the boys’ parents their three-bedroom apartment in the East 70’s. “One day, she came upstairs when the mother wasn’t home, and she took the ball and hit the kid.”

But if noisy toys and boys are torture, one could argue that three 200-pound teenagers wearing cleats and playing football overhead at 11 p.m. is more on the order of hell itself.

Then, there were the mandatory “team meetings” organized every few weeks in the younger women’s living room. The object was to “tear apart every problem, but she would focus on things like dirty dishes in the sink, that we had too many plants and too much furniture, causing damage to the ceiling below our apartment. And whenever we would bring up any problems with the lack of heat”—at times the temperature dropped to 50 degrees in the winter —“or the freezer, she would say, ‘That’s not my problem.’ Anytime you would challenge her on something, she would say, ‘I’m not going to renew your lease.’ ”

After reading the article again, I'm extra pleased with my decision.

Why You Shouldn't Lie

We had a discussion on lying a while back. My position is that lying is never appropriate. I bet Eric Poehlman wishes he had listened to me. From the New York Times Magazine:

Poehlman pleaded guilty to lying on a federal grant application and admitted to fabricating more than a decade’s worth of scientific data on obesity, menopause and aging, much of it while conducting clinical research as a tenured faculty member at the University of Vermont. He presented fraudulent data in lectures and in published papers, and he used this data to obtain millions of dollars in federal grants from the National Institutes of Health — a crime subject to as many as five years in federal prison.

One of his lab techs turned him in, rightfully so. Fascinating article.

How Do You Get To Carnegie Hall?

Apparently the same way you get to be CEO--practice. Fortune reports

For one thing, you do not possess a natural gift for a certain job, because targeted natural gifts don't exist. (Sorry, Warren.) You are not a born CEO or investor or chess grandmaster. You will achieve greatness only through an enormous amount of hard work over many years. And not just any hard work, but work of a particular type that's demanding and painful.

Well, that's a cheery thought for Monday morning. Demanding and painful work ahead! Actually, it can be cheery. It means if you want success you can achieve it, despite your lack of natural talent.

Of coure, I don't know how the author can state that "targeted natural gifts" don't exist. Of course they do. Some people are born being able to carry a tune and some are not. Granted, even the natural singer needs to practice, practice, practice in order to be successful. I, for instance, love public speaking. (I know, I know, I'm a complete whack.) That's definitely an inborn trait.

But, if I wanted to make a living at it, I'd definitely have to develop that talent.

So, read the whole article and get busy doing painful practice.

Evil Hr Lady Gets Religious

Okay, truth be told I'm already religious. But I'm not a Southern Baptist. I make no attempt to understand the finer points of Southern Baptist Theology. Still, I found this article, Texas Seminary: No Speaking in Tongues interesting--from an HR point of view.

It seems the trustees voted and, with one dissenting vote, they made the following declaration:

Southwestern will not knowingly endorse in any way, advertise, or commend the conclusions of the contemporary charismatic movement including private prayer language. Neither will Southwestern knowingly employ professors or administrators who promote such practices.

I support the right of any religious body--be it a school or a church--to set the standards for their curriculum and staff. I just wonder how you are going to enforce this.

The dissenter wants the Southern Baptist Convention to weigh in on the matter, which (I infer) means that the SBC doesn't have an official position on the doctrine of speaking in tongues. It also suggests to me that leadership isn't quite unified on this.

Any time there is change in an institution (be it religious or secular) you need unity from the leadership for effective change. I've seen numerous times where some corporate big-wig announces, "Our new policy is X" but meanwhile his executive team is going about undermining him. The end result is a more divisive workforce.

You need unity at the top for big change. (Although I admit, I don't know how big of a change this is. Was it happening often? I have no idea.) If this Southern Baptist Seminary had come to me for advice, I would have told them to get the SBC to weigh in first, then create it's new policy and get full support prior to announcing. If you can't get full support, well, that's why you "transition" people out of your organization.

It seems harsh, especially for a religious group, but successful companies do it all the time. Granted, if this isn't a major component of the school, it may not matter. But, someone thought it was major enough to alert a reporter at the Associated Press--and the Washington Post saw fit to publish it.

But overall, HR Advice, get your unity first.

Body Art

Tattoos are becoming more prevalent. Which brings up the question, what do employees do about that? Do they refuse to hire people with tattos? Do they require they be covered? Categorize them as acceptable and unacceptable? (Flowers and hearts, okay. Knives plunging through skulls, not okay.)

The Associated Press examines the issue. Some quotes:

The face of the young American worker is changing, and it's increasingly decorated with ink and metal. About half of people in their 20s have either a tattoo or a body piercing other than traditional earrings, according to a study published in June in the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology. That figure, which is higher than the national average, is growing, said Anne Laumann, the study's co-author and a dermatologist at Northwestern University.

Personally, the thought of voluntarily having someone jab a needle into my skin a thousand times is enough to keep me away from tattoos forever. That and as you "mature" you tend to sag. (One of my college roommates had an eagle on her stomach. She's since had 4 children. I cannot even imagine what that thing must look like now. Surprisingly, she doesn't send out pictures of it in her annual Christmas card.)

For some companies, allowing body art can be a boon - it attracts young workers that may not feel welcome in more conservative environments, said Paul Forster, CEO of the job search Web site Indeed.com (which shows that postings for tattoo artist have surged in the past year). Forster allows body art in the office, and about a quarter of his 25 employees have it.

What do you all think?

How Often Should You Lie?

The only acceptable lie is when your Aunt Grace* asked if you enjoyed her special dish at the family reunion. Other than that, never.

Don't lie on your resume.

Don't lie in an interview.

Don't lie in your performance review.

Don't lie about why you need a day off. (You don't necessarily have to say why you need a day off, but don't say, "my grandmother is sick" when you really have a job interview. It's perfectly acceptable to say, "for personal reasons.")

Don't lie about why you left your last job.

Don't lie about your gaps in employment.

Don't lie about your salary, your qualifications, your workload or anything else.

Hopefully, I've cleared up any confusion.

No lying.

*If your Aunt is named something other than "Grace" you can't lie, ever.

You Can Complain, Or You Can Make Money

First off, I stole the headline, from Ben Stein's column in the NYT. Now that I've confessed that sin, let's read Mr. Stein's ideas.

The rich certainly have more money than the poor (that is, after all, what makes them rich). You can either moan and groan about that fact, or you can do something to make yourself rich. (Hint, HR is not the way into multi-million dollar salaries. Sure Sr. VPs of HR at large companies make $200,000-$400,000 plus stock and bonuses, but I would be shocked if you're ever promoted into the president's job.)

Here is some of his advice:

• You do not get to it by studying African feminism in the 19th century, whether or not you are at an Ivy League college. You do not get to it by studying Bulgarian poetry. You do not get to it by any field of endeavor or study that is esoteric and has no connection with helping other people either become healthy or make money.

And this:

• You are always better off working in a field where torrents of money are sloshing through and you can grab a handful as it goes by. That means Wall Street. Finance is the ultimate great business.

Go read the whole thing.

Wal-Mart Woes

Dear Wal-Mart,

I realize you didn't ask for Evil HR Lady's Advice, but you should have. You see, I understand a jury just determined that you had forced employees to work through breaks and to work off the clock.

This is what we call "stupid" behavior. Sure, you may disagree with Pennsylvania state labor laws. And sure, your employees may prefer to work straight through rather than having to spend 30 minutes, unpaid, in a Wal-Mart break room. But, it's against the law and you can't do it.

Understand that? Here is what you should have done and what you should do in the future.

1. Every day run time card audits to make sure that people who worked 6 hours (or whatever the law is for the particular state in question) got a 30 minute lunch break. Every day.

2. Make sure your employees and your managers know that missing breaks is a firable offense. Then follow through. Employees need to understand that if they don't get a break their manager can and will be fired. Employees also need to understand that they have to take a break. Some will rebel. I don't care. It's the law, so they either take it or they lose their job.

3. No more working off the clock. Ever. Again, this needs to be a firable offense for both management and staff. Tell your managers that if they can't get whatever task done without having people work off the clock then the person who has to do the work is the salaried manager. I guarantee that managers will find a way to get the work done rather than have to do it themselves.

4. Stop putting so much junk in the center of your aisles. I realize this has nothing to do with labor laws, I just find it annoying.

Sincerely,

Evil HR Lady

Dealing With A Disability

Dear Evil HR Lady,

For years I was practically trapped by panic disorder that got worse and worse until I had panic attacks that would last 6 or 7 hours at least 5 days a week. It made me incredibly avoidant and increasingly dependent on others as many normal situations would literally knock the wind out of me. I would force myself out at times, even into very stressful work, but working while having the same adrenaline as if being chased or falling or something was impossible after a while. Then the miracle of modern science stepped in. I took a pill, thinking it would be useless, and then the panic stopped and the world opened up.

That was then and this is now - two distinctly different worlds, one dark and forbidding and the other normal and filled with light (okay, I live in Seattle so that might be a bit of a stretch).

I'm by no means too fearful now to go up to anybody and ask for a job, but no corporate HR department would allow me to be hired, would they? I'm not complaining. People certainly suffer worse. But it's very frustrating to feel that there is a whole industry which is, in a very real sense, dedicated to keeping people like me out of the workforce.

Dave in Seattle

Dear Dave,

Would a corporate HR department allow you to be hired? Absolutely. In fact, thanks to the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) most companies can't not hire you due to your panic disorder.

The EEOC gives the following example:

An individual diagnosed with schizophrenia now works successfully as a computer programmer for a large company. Before finding an effective medication, however, he stayed in his room at home for several months, usually refusing to talk to family and close friends. After finding an effective medication, he was able to return to school, graduate, and start his career. This individual has a mental impairment, schizophrenia, which substantially limits his ability to interact with others when evaluated without medication. Accordingly, he is an individual with a disability as defined by the ADA.

If you change schizophrenia with panic disorder, it sounds very similar to you. You developed a disorder which severely impacted your life and now you've found a medication that works for you. Thank goodness for pharmaceutical companies!

But, being prohibited from discriminating against you and actually hiring you are two very different things. Let's tackle getting the new job.

First, are you required to disclose to an employer that you suffer from a Panic Disorder? No. But under ADA, if you need accomodations, you are required to disclose. But, you don't have to do it at the interview stage. And any accomodations need to be reasonable. What reasonable is varies from job to job. For example:

Reasonable: For an accounting position, you need space that is relatively quiet.
Unreasonable: For a lifeguard position, you need quiet to concentrate.

There is lots of advice on when and what to disclose. Some of the advice that I like the best is from Rutgers University's Career Servcies. Monster also has good advice.

My advice is to not disclose before you receive an offer. I advise this for your own peace of mind. That way, you know they are not rejecting you because of your disability. And you may not need to disclose at all if you feel your medication allows you to function without any special accommodations.

If you've been out of the work force for a while, try going back in with temp agencies. They are generally less demanding. If you've been consistently working and are just looking for a new opportunity, attack that job search as you would if you didn't suffer from panic disorder. Remember, you are selling you, not a disorder.

Recruiters can smell confidence, so practice interviewing. Read up on sample questions and get a friend to help you prepare. Make sure your resume is polished and up to date. If you've been out of work for a while, be prepared to answer questions regarding why.

The secret that most job seekers don't know is that the recruiter and the hiring manager desperately want you to be the right person? Why? Because the manager hates interviewing and wants to get back to work, and the recruiter's performance ratings are based on how fast she can fill positions. So, all you have to do is be the right person! Read up on the company. Be able to articulate what you can do for them. And then do it.

Sincerely,

Evil HR Lady

Will You Please Object?

Peter Lewis reviews Amazon's new Unbox in Fortune. You can pretty much tell his feelings about it, by looking at the headline: Two thumbs down for Unbox: Amazon's new movie service is a horror show, says Fortune's Peter Lewis.

The idea of trying to download a movie when Netflix will send me anything I want is just foreign to me, so I don't particularly care about the service. (Although I do love Amazon for everything else. My family should take note, if I can't order it from Amazon, you are probably not getting it for Christmas.) But, what I do wonder is why a wonderful company can make such a bad product.

Peter Lewis wonders the same thing. He writes:

Of all the smart and talented people at Amazon, did no one dare say, "Wait, our new service bites! It's slower than a trip to Blockbuster, more expensive than a DVD, absurdly restrictive on how the consumer uses the movie, delivers lower resolution than a DVD, and requires running a cable from the PC to the TV if you want to watch the movie on something larger than a PC monitor"?

This is what Evil HR Lady wants to comment on. I believe what we have here is a bad case of Groupthink going on here. At the moment, Wikipedia defines Groupthink as:

[A] mode of thought whereby individuals intentionally conform to what they perceive to be the consensus of the group. Groupthink may cause the group (typically a committee or large organization) to make bad or irrational decisions which each member might individually consider to be unwise.

Businesses have a real problem with this. Or, at least every company I've ever worked for has a huge problem with this. And I know I'm guilty of giving into the Groupthink mentality. More than once I've remained silent when I thought something was a really bad idea. Why? Because I thought I would be shot down and end up ticking off a superior, so why take the risk?

Of course, there was one time I defied the rules of Groupthink and loudly objected to a proposed project. The company that we were hiring to do the project had demonstrated nothing but sheer incompetence and I said as much. The result? I got pulled into my boss's office and was given a lecture on propriety. Way to encourage further Groupthink!

However (and I'm not taking credit for this whole thing, there were other objectors as well), finally the powers that be came to their senses and canceled the project. It, undoubtedly, saved the company millions of dollars.

When that nagging little voice is telling you, "This is a really bad idea," you should probably speak up. If you feel too much pressure to remain silent in the meeting, feel out a co-worker one-on-one and see if they share similar thoughts. Then figure out how to articulate why it is a bad idea and present it to the project leader.

Keep in mind that there may be facts and figures you haven't seen yet. But, a competent project leader will be happy to discuss them with you. An incompetent leader--well, so sorry you have those in your midst.

You may just save your company from making a colossal mistake. Of course, you may get pulled into your boss's office and lectured as well. (Sorry, Evil HR Lady makes no guarantees!) But, at least you will have opened the discussion. Ask yourself, do you want Fortune reviewing your project in the same light?

Bored with Business Travel? Try Being Wealthy!

I don't travel a great deal for business. In fact, when I do "travel" it involves driving to another site that is 15 minutes away. So, I am definitely not an expert on business travel.

Still, I was intrigued by this NYT headline: There’s Simply No Excuse for Being Bored on a Trip. We do love to go strange places, so I was hoping I could learn something.

John Heaton's article begins:

FROM time to time, I hear business travelers complain about how unexciting their trips are. This is nonsense, for the most part. Business travel can be great adventure if you’re curious.

I was with him at this point. Then he goes on to describe how he stays in the native hotels and peppers people with questions. (Does he speak all the languages he is questioning people in? Or does he have the luxury of traveling with an interpreter? I'm feeling skeptical so I'm voting for the latter.) I was starting to dismiss him at this point. Then I got to this paragraph:

For the next two hours, as we pored over maps, he told me tales of the archipelago and uncontacted tribes. His stories were so compelling that I decided to change my travel plans. For the next two months, I crisscrossed the islands, hardly seeing another white face. The highlight of my trip was being the only outsider to attend the funeral of an important Dani chief. What started as a business trip ended in a real adventure.

Yes, I can afford to do that. Can't you? Just take two months off work so you can crissross islands.

So, while you are having a 6 hour layover in Pittsburgh, remember if you are bored, it's not because the airport is boring, it's because you are! Or, you are not wealthy enough to avoid business trips that involve layovers in Pittsburgh. I'm betting it's the latter.

Evil Stupid HR

Somebody found me through a Google search where they entered the words "Evil Stupid HR." I'm always pleased when someone finds me through Google. (I feel so famous!) This, however, made me wonder. Just what was this person looking for? I have a feeling they weren't looking for a Christmas present for their favorite HR professional!

So, if you are the person who searched for "evil stupid HR" send me an e-mail with your woes. I'd love to hear from you!

Different Rules, Same Company

Dear Evil HR Lady,

I work for a large company (there are over 5,000 people at my site alone). You would think that the same rules would apply to the whole company, or at least the whole building, but somehow the rules in my department are more strict than any where else. For example, the dress code is business casual. But, if I wear khaki pants I get chewed out, all the while I see people in jeans walking down the hall. I sit next to people in a different department. If one of their kids gets sick, they take their laptops and head for home. If my kid is vomiting my choices are to either take a vacation day (and get yelled at for not planning in advance--who can plan stomach flu in advance?) or get my spouse to stay home.

How can this be fair? Shouldn't a company have one set of policies?

Sincerely,

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

To answer your questions, it's not fair and yes, a company should have one set of policies.

But, that doesn't help. Let's start with the fairness of it all. It's not fair. Remember back to 7th grade when you didn't get invited to the birthday party of the most popular girl in school, even though she was your best friend in 6th grade? What did your mother say to you? "Life isn't meant to be fair."

Ah, I'm such a comforting figure. Aren't you glad you asked?

First, let's give your boss the benefit of the doubt. What exactly is the company dress code? Is he enforcing it as written and other managers are being lenient? You can hardly fault someone for obeying the rules. Heaven knows the term "business casual" can mean 5 different things to 3 different people. But, even if the policy specifically allows for khaki pants, does your deparment have a reason for being more strict? Do you meet with clients or vendors on a regular basis? Do you conduct trainings or make frequent presentations? If so, there may be a valid reason for the stricter dress code.

As for working from home, Evil HR Lady knows far too well that stomach flu cannot be planned for. (I am also extremely grateful for a large capacity washer and dryer, but that's probably too much information.) Again, does your job require you to be onsite?

When I was doing recruiting, it was a huge burden on my co-workers if I took an unplanned day off. They would have to cover for interviews I had scheduled, all the while trying to get their work done. But, when I was doing data analysis, I could just as easily do that from home as I could in a cube. (Actually, I could do it better from home because cubes are so darn noisy.)

But, what if your manager is just a jerk? (I suspect that this is the answer you wanted, anyway.) This may well be the case. Some managers are convinced that they need to monitor your every move. Some may just want things done their way and no other way will suffice. If this is the case, then it's time to ask yourself these questions:

1. Are these issues making you miserable or are they just slight annoyances?
2. If they are making you miserable, are you focusing too much on things that should be slight annoyances? (Really, is a ban on khaki's so difficult? Even nylons every day won't kill you--I know, I've done it. I even had an internship once where I wasn't allowed to wear pants. No pants! And it was in winter.)
3. Are you learning and growing in your position? Is your compensation package good? If so, don't give up a great opportunity because things aren't fair. Good positions can be hard to come by.

Now, the truth be told, people quit jobs because they dislike their managers. Oh, they don't say that in exit interviews. (Almost everyone says the same thing--"I'm leaving because I just had this great opportunity pop up. It was almost like magic, so I really hate to leave, but I just have to take it." When, in reality, they've been interviewing at least twice a week for the past 6 months because they are desperate for a new job.) If enough people start leaving your department, hopefully senior management will eventually catch on that your manager needs an attitude adjustment.

Or maybe they won't. (Senior management can overlook obvious things, while latching onto minutia that do not matter. I think they teach you that at MBA school.) But, it's up to you to take control of your life and your career.

You work at a site that has 5,000 employees. That means there are 4,999 other positions as possibilities for you, without even having to learn new traffic patterns. Glean what you can from your current position, and then post out of the department.

Good luck!

Evil HR Lady

News Update

I apologize for my blogging shortage the past few days. Things have been a bit crazy. But, rather than give my normal long winded blog, I'll give you a few news items from the past few days.

I think this is my favorite.

If you want a job at the Philadelphia Park Casino, you'd better bring your dancing shoes.

Job applicants said they're being asked to dance to “YMCA” or a Bon Jovi song — with blow-up guitar — during interviews at the Bucks County Visitors and Conference Bureau in Bensalem

This wasn't just for people applying to be dancers or general entertainers. Accountants had to perform as well. Now, the Evil HR philosophy is that companies are allowed to do stupid things if they want. So, more power to the Philadelphia Park Casino. I hope it works for them. (Well, not really. I oppose gambling, so I hope they, specifically, fail miserably. But I support their right to have stupid interviews.)

Did you know that professional football players have a low life expectancy? I was shocked when I read this, but Evil Marketing Man's response was, well, duh.

It is not a widely disseminated, downloaded or discussed fact that the average life expectancy for all pro football players including all positions and backgrounds is 55 years. Several insurance carriers say it is 51 years.

It just goes to show that with the right compensation package, you can get people to lop off up to 20 years off their lives.

And finally, have you always wanted a cat, but can't have one because you are allergic? Well, your wait almost is over.

At the start of next year, the first kittens — which the company calls “lifestyle pets” — will go home to eager owners who have been carefully screened and have been on a waiting list for more than two years.

Since it announced the project in October 2004, the company, Allerca, of San Diego, says it has received inquiries from people in 85 countries seeking to buy a cat bred so that its glands do not produce the protein responsible for most human cat allergies.

Which also just goes to show, there's a market for everything.

Managing People

Dennis Hastert has a tough job. I'm not talking about the complications of trying to pass legislation he wants and stop legislation he opposes. That's the easy part. The hard part for him would be all the people he has to manage. The New York Times headline reads:

Hastert Fights to Save His Job in Page Scandal

I'm not going to go into details of what this page scandal is, but suffice it to say it does not involve books or magazines. I'll just let you go here or here if you want more information.

This is about managing people. Hastert has it tough. He has to manage a bunch of people who were chosen by other people (the voters in their hoome districts), have their own agendas (get re-elected), are trying madly to take over his position of power (every last one of them) and who have a tendency to do phenomenally stupid things. Oh, and he can't directly fire any of them. He can ask them to resign, but if he wants them fired he either has to convince their voters or get the entire House to vote to expell the person.

This is one of the many reasons I took my degrees in political science and headed into Human Resources rather than Washington D.C. But, politics happen in the corporate world as well. Managers are ultimately responsible for what their employees do. In most cases, however, they aren't fired for the bad things done, they are fired for how they respond to them.

His response (or lack thereof) is exactly why Hastert is in trouble. Voters consist of a lot of people with experience managing others (either employees or children--same difference, really) and they know you can't stop stupid or just plain creepy-wrong from happening all the time. But they know that you don't just hope it goes away.

You have an employee who sexually harasses someone else? How you handle this could cost you your job and, potentially, your company a huge sum of money. You have an employee who is embezzling funds? I don't care that he's your brother-in-law, bust him or you're going to jail with him. You have an employee that does sloppy work? Get it corrected or you start to look bad.

Theoretically, managers should be able to hire and fire who they want to. That's the theory of at-will employment. In practice, it doesn't work that way. When you get a job as a manager, you are handed a staff. You can't fire them because your company has policies and procedures you must follow (mostly good). The lawyers are concerned about discrimination law suits, and everyone wants to be nice. (Nice is good, but it can make managing people difficult.)

When I interviewed for my first job where I would have an actual staff reporting up to me, the HR VP asked me, "Why do you want to manage people?"

I responded cheerily and enthusiastically with something along the lines of, "I have a lot of experience and I believe I can grown and develop the department. I enjoy working with people and am looking forward to taking this next step in my career."

She laughed at me and said, "Managing people is a pain in the [neck]." I got the job, but she was right.

Fortunately, for me, I've never had Hastert's problems. Hopefully, I never will.

I Have No Comment

Bikini-Clad hair stylists may be good for business, but I certainly hope it turns into a hiring nightmare.

I Always Suspected that Spinach Was Bad For You

I admit that when I first heard news of the e-coli tainted spinach, I giggled. The NPR anchor just sounded so serious when he (or she, I can't remember) informed the listening audience that there would be an upcoming story on spinach that was terrorizing the nation.

But, e-coli is a terrorizing disease, and deadly. 187 people have gotten sick from it, at least one has died (2 other deaths are suspected). The FDA banned the sale of all fresh spinach until they figured out the source.

Turns out the bad spinach was all from California, but it's affecting spinach growers everywhere.

The Washington Post reports on spinach growers in Maryland. Even though their spinach was never contaminated, people are terrified and they are concerned that they will be unable to sell their crops. (In fact, Evil HR Lady stood behind two women in the company cafeteria last week who were debating purchasing soup. The soup had spinach it, so they decided not to "take the risk." I did, however, because I know that 1. cooking kills e-coli and 2. no way did my company pay extra for fresh spinach to put in the soup. The spinach was definitely not part of the recall.)

And so, now time for my point. You work hard, you follow the rules, you do a good job, and someone else in a different company can mess something up that causes you financial devastation. Isn't that a cheery message to start your Tuesday with?

So, advice today from Evil HR Lady is the same advice the Boy Scouts give: Be Prepared. For what? Anything.

And go eat spinach grown in Maryland. It's healthy and tasty, and here's a fabulous recipe using it. Curried Chicken-Coconut Soup.

You're Hired (please???)

For those of you who enjoyed reading about Pluto being fired, you'll enjoy reading about an attempt to hire a new number 2 guy for Al Qaeda.

Here's a snippet:

HUMAN RESOURCES: Congratulations! We’re promoting you to the Number Two spot!

ACHMED: Number two? But what about —

HUMAN RESOURCES: Uh, he’s moved on.

ACHMED: And the guy with the mustache?

HUMAN RESOURCES: Relocated.

Go read the whole thing at National Review Online.

Think Before You Sign

Did you know A Chorus Line was based on the lives of real chorus line dancers? I had no idea. Of course, I've never seen it, although my junior high choir did sing "What I Did for Love," which, in retrospect, probably shouldn't be sung by 13 year olds.

I'm digressing again. So, the play was based on the real life stories of real life chorus line members. They signed away the rights to their stories for $1. In the original production, they were given royalties as well, but with the current revival, they aren't seeing a penny.

According to the New York Times:

At a rehearsal break during the first workshop, the performers were handed release contracts, under which they would give Mr. Bennett rights to use all the interviews in exchange for $1. The document stated that real names could not be used in connection with the stories without consent.

“I knew it was wrong,” said Priscilla Lopez, who told her own story in the character of Diana Morales. “But I thought, ‘If I don’t sign this, I’m not going to be a part of it.’ ”

Eventually, everyone signed, even though there were misgivings then, and regret now. Here is speculation on why everyone signed:

Tony Stevens, who along with Mr. Bennett and another dancer, Michon Peacock, organized the first taping session, said that the willingness to sign also came out of the dancer mentality. “When you ask an actor to do something, their first response is to ask ‘Why?’ ” he said. Dancers, on the other hand, do not ask questions; they just perform.

So, here's Evil HR Lady's question: Are you treating your career as a dancer or as an actor?

A friend of mine worked for a company that had not had their employees sign non-compete agreements. One year they decided to rectify that situation and produced astoundingly unfair non-compete agreements just before bonuses were to be paid out. Everyone was told--if you don't sign you don't get a bonus.

These were bad non-competes. They included clauses that prevented employees from working for competitors in any fashion even if the employee was laid off. And because they were in the drug industry, they prevented people from getting jobs in any medical profession at all. They were so broadly written that, technically, the company could stop you from leaving your job as a sales rep and going to work as a janitor in the local hospital.

People freaked, but they started signing. They wanted bonuses, and they thought, "they'll never enforce it to that level." Until one director said, "No." She convinced her department that their freedom was better than a bonus.

Then another director re-wrote his, removing the over-broad clauses and told HR he would sign his version, but not theirs. His department followed suit.

In the end, bonuses were paid out to everyone, including those who didn't sign at all. My friend was very glad that people at this company had actor mentalities and not dancer ones.

Vindication

A while back, a Pie Eater asked a question on when to speak to a manager. I advised our pie eating friend that a manager would want to know about goofy employees who didn't behave properly with whipped cream.

I'm so pleased that Miss Manners agrees with me. Granted, her question wasn't about pie, but about a rude cashier. Her Advice: (may require registration--sorry!)

This is not to match or outdo the offender with a counterattack, but to report the incident to the manager. It would have relieved your indignation, and a conscientious manager would want to know why the business is losing a customer. And you should leave your speculations about mental health out of it.

So there, gentle readers, let management know.

Wash Your Hands

Cedars-Sinai Medical Center had a problem with doctors not washing their hands as often as they should. Apparently, this is a problem in many hospitals. But they fixed the problem. Not with implementing punishments and dinging people's performance ratings. (Wouldn't have mattered anyway--the doctors don't work for the hospital.) The did it with Starbucks Gift Cards and a gross screen saver. The New York Times reports:

For the next six weeks, Silka and roughly a dozen other senior personnel manned the parking-lot entrance, handing out bottles of Purell to the arriving doctors. They started a Hand Hygiene Safety Posse that roamed the wards and let it be known that this posse preferred using carrots to sticks: rather than searching for doctors who weren’t compliant, they’d try to “catch” a doctor who was washing up, giving him a $10 Starbucks card as reward. You might think that the highest earners in a hospital wouldn’t much care about a $10 incentive — “but none of them turned down the card,” Silka says.

It brought compliance up, but not to the 90% level they wanted. (This is still not comforting to me--I would prefer 100% compliance, thank you!) So they took cultures from doctors hands, and made a screen saver that showed the resulting bacteria colonies. Then they placed it on every computer in the hospital.

Brilliant.

And it worked. Carrots, not sticks. Educating not berating.

My only complaint is that I don't drink coffee, so I would not appreciate a Starbucks gift card. Of course, seeing how I didn't go to medical school, I don't think I'm at risk of being handed one for washing my hands either.

As Long As We're Talking About College

Newsweek has a civics quiz posted. The context is that people don't learn civics in college. So, go take it and see if you are a genius.

I missed one question. Oopsie! And I went to a University that required Western Civilization and American History courses. Oh yeah, and I majored in Political Science.

So, go see if you can beat the Evil HR Lady and then let me know.

Do You Want to Make More Money?

Sure, we all do. Bonus points for you if you just thought of Sally Struthers.

But, seriously, we do all want to make more money. And since most of us would like to do so legally, I'm grateful for this Yahoo Finance article, Ten Ways to Get the Most Pay Out of Your Job. Those ten ways are:

1) LISTEN TO YOUR BOSS

2) BET ON YOURSELF

3) SEEK FINANCIAL ADVICE

4) LEARN ABOUT SPECIAL COMMISSIONS OR AWARDS

5) CHANGE YOUR TAX WITHHOLDING

6) TAKE THE FREE MONEY

7) PAY FOR AS MUCH AS YOU CAN WITH TAX-FREE INCOME

8) ASK FOR A PAY RE-EVALUATION

9) TURN DOWN BENEFITS THAT COST THE COMPANY

10) DON'T FORGET THE SMALL STUFF

Good advice all around. I just have one small objection--on point 2.

[W]hen negotiating with a new employer, you might be able to swap a higher salary for a larger target award amount, Ms. Sejen says. Suppose the employer offers you a $100,000 salary and a target bonus of 10% of salary. You could counteroffer that you'd take a $95,000 salary if your bonus-award target was 20% of it. Your annual target pay then would be $114,000 instead of $110,000. "An employer might be willing to change the pay mix," Ms. Sejen says.

I'm not telling you not to try it, but unless you are an executive or work for a small company, the answer is going to be no. Why? Because someone has to administer those bonuses. (And that person used to be Evil HR Lady, but thankfully, not any more.) Your bonus will be based on your performance and your grade/salary. Any other mix would be an administrative nightmare.

And remember, it's all about my needs, so you HR people who make policy but don't have to carry it out (and you know who you are), stop thinking that this is a good idea. But, you non-HR people, feel free to ask. Just understand that you will no longer be on my list of friends.

Breaking the Rules

Businesses make rules for a reason. Sometimes those reasons are irrational ones, but mostly (I'm an optimist at heart) there are good reasons for the rules--although many of them are long forgotten.

But even good rules need to be broken now and then. As the mother of a potty-trained 3 year old, I appreciated this post about the need to break a few workplace rules. Julie Coulter Bellon writes about a trip to the post office when her 3 year old decided he needed to go potty now.

I leaned over the counter and said, "Do you have a restroom we can use?"
The teller barely looked up at me and said, "No. It is against the rules to let any public person use our facilities. If the inspector came while an unauthorized person was in the back, we could be fined. It is definitely not something we can do. We do not break the rules."

Go read how Julie gets the obedient post office worker to bend a little workplace rule. If you've ever been caught with a recently potty trained child in a place without a public restroom, you'll appreciate her tactics.

Scandal!

I've been avoiding blogging about the HP scandal. Why? Because I'm guilty of pretexting myself.

Now get off your high horse because I bet you are as well. Or your spouse is. Here's my most recent pretexting sin: Ordering a free credit report for my husband. It was easy. I know his social security number. I know his mother's maiden name. I know how much each of our financial obligations are and I download all credit card activity into Quicken regularly (he would say, obsessively), so any question Experian can come up with, I can answer it.

Of course, after ordering the report, I printed it out and showed it to him at dinner. Nothing sinister going on here. Honest. (Although we do joke that since I pay all the bills I could easily have 37 maxed out credit cards and he would never know.)(I don't, by the way.)

But, I'm done confessing my sins, let's talk about HPs.

Private phone records were obtained through deception, among other things. Why? Because chairwoman Patricia Dunn wanted to know who was guilty of leaking information.

I don't pretend to be an expert on such things. But here is Evil HR Lady's advice for HP. If you will be embarrassed when what you are doing is made public, do not do it.

There. Isn't that easy? I don't care how much you want to know something. Use above board methods to find out.

The difference in my pretexting adventures and HPs? I don't care if mine get splashed on the front page of the New York Times.

Survival of the Richest

I've been of the opinion that people should give me large sums of money simply for sitting in a leather chair and answering questions. (And if the chair had one of those built in back massage units, all the better--but I could function without it. I'm not picky.) Unfortunately, I have yet to find people willing to do this. And now I know why.

Robert Kiyosaki writes for Yahoo Finance

Traders like Steven were buying and selling commodity futures -- as well as put and call options -- as fast as they could.

For Steven, it didn't matter if the market was going up or down. He was busily buying and selling as he ran between the gold and crude oil pits. In less than an hour, he'd made over $70,000 in profits. Not bad for a guy in his 20s.

During that hour, I was standing next to a NYMEX employee. I asked him if he understood what was going on. He replied, "No. I've worked here for nineteen years and I've never bothered to learn. I like my job, and I don't like the pressure these guys go through every day." Although I didn't ask, I suspect he's lucky to make $70,000 a year.

The NYMEX employee and Steven both made choices. One choice involved stressful, high risk, time consuming work that had potential for a great reward. (And, undoubtedly, potential for great risk.) The other came to work each day and did his job, but made no effort to learn about other's jobs or expand his skills.

The resulting rewards differ vastly.

It's not just like this in the stock exchange world. I see it in my own work life. I'm a hard worker and I'm good at what I do. In fact, between my first day in an HR department(1999) and when I turned in my letter of resignation after giving birth to Offspring (2003) I was able to more than triple my salary. I started out as an HR admin in the spring of 1999 and by spring of 2001 I had my own admin.

However, since I resigned from full time work my rise to the top has been severely stunted. Not because of discrimination against working mothers, but because I made a choice. I work 20-25 hours per week now. I get regular raises and good performance reviews, but I don't put in the hours I once did.

It's a choice. My choice was made very carefully. Is your current career location the result of a careful choice or do you blame the circumstances around you for your success or lack thereof?

Kiyosaki concludes:

One way to approach the coming changes is to ask yourself whether you'll be like my friend Steven Spivak -- trading rapidly, earning over $70,000 an hour -- or like that 19-year NYMEX employee, who's content to work for $70,000 a year at best. While both men are working for a dollar that's declining in value, one is earning more than enough of them to stay ahead of its erosion.

Both options are available to each of us. Which reality you choose -- deciding on how much you can earn and how fast you can earn it -- will determine your station in life five years from now, when things start to get really sticky.

More than once I've had people in my office complaining that their co-worker got a promtion, why weren't they getting promoted? Or, why is my raise only 3%? I've had the fun task of asking what they've done to deserve a promotion or raise. Usually the blustering response is that they've been here for X years and they deserve it.

Nevermind that co-worker works harder, makes an effort to learn as much as possible about the business, making co-worker a more valuable employee. They've been here X years and deserve it.

That, my evil friends, is what we HR experts call delusional behavior.

Micromanagers--Update

I received an update from our Over-managed friend. She writes:

Evil HR lady, my micromanaging boss has flipped his lid, apparently. We are incredibly short-handed right now and in desperate need of at least 5 new employees for various positions, from an engineer to a project manager to an inspector. Well, our corporate office put an ad in the paper for new people, and my crazy boss became convinced that we had gone behind his back and put the ad in the paper without consulting him. So as we have been transferring calls to him from people looking for jobs, he has been telling them that the ad was a mistake and that we aren't hiring and don't need anyone right now. This is while he is working 20 hours a day covering all these jobs because we don't have enough people, and then complaining the whole time that "we don't know how bad it is". Have I mentioned that I work for the dumbest company ever? I am going to be so glad to leave this job.

I don't have any HR wisdom to impart, but I did laugh about this.

Investigative Reporting

When you are bored, you probably do something interesting like playing sports or perhaps watch television. Evil HR Lady surfs the web for new employment law information. (I'm this fun at parties too!)

I found this presentation on retaliation. This isn't some adventure movie information. It's all about how to avoid retaliation against a whistle-blowing employee.

Good information from Morgan Lewis, a law firm that handles employment law (among other specialities).

Now, in case any of you are still awake after reading the thrilling paragraphs above, after reading that I read Why Parents Who Batter Win Custody. What do the two things have in common?

Well, if Sarah Childress, the author of the above custody article, worked for me investigating retaliation claims I would fire her in retaliation for being so incredibly biased in her report. (And I believe--not being a lawer after all--I would have great legal grounds for doing so.)

Our friendly lawyers at Morgan Lewis give instructions on how to conduct an investigation (see page 18)

How to do it right
• Be aware of and follow established investigation
procedures
• Act promptly
• Be objective and neutral and keep an open mind
• Consistency and respect are key

Ms. Childress is not conducting an investigation, but she is writing about results of investigations. She writes

It may seem hard to fathom how a judge could award custody to a parent accused of abuse.

What about also writing, "It may seem hard to fathom how a judge could not investigate each claim of abuse before granting custody. Custody situations are often heated and there are many established cases of parental alienation syndrome."

A quick Google search would have turned up information from the other side of the custody debate. For instance, in the The Florida Bar Journal J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh write:

Although parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a familiar term, there is still a great deal of confusion and unclarity about its nature, dimensions, and, therefore, its detection.(1) Its presence, however, is unmistakable. In a longitudinal study of 700 "high conflict" divorce cases followed over 12 years, it was concluded that elements of PAS are present in the vast majority of the samples.

Now, why on earth am I writing about parental custody issues? It goes back to employee retaliation and investigation. If Jane comes to Employee Relations and says, "John is sexually harrassing me" we don't immediately fire John. We investigate. We ask Jane questions. We ask John questions. We ask their co-workers.

Now, if, in the course of my investigation, I discover that John has repeatedly been accused of inappropriate behavior, more weight is given to Jane's statement. If, on the other hand, I discover that Jane has accused 14 people of the same behavior, John's statement will be given more weight.

Now, you don't need to be an expert investigator to realize that if John and Jane have an extensive history of trying to sabotage each other's careers that additional investigation will be required in order to come to the truth.

Again, from Morgan Lewis (scroll to page 19):

• For each act of alleged harassment/discrimination, determine when it
occurred, what happened, where it occurred and who saw the incident
• Be thorough—every incident should be explored
• For each incident, determine witnesses and relevant documents
• Ask employee to provide a written statement (or sign interview notes)
• Ask about employee’s expectations for investigation
• Explain investigation process
• Follow-up with an outline of each incident and solicit
corrections/additions
• Clearly state that the employee will not experience retaliation

Great advice. Perhaps we can get our journalists to someday investigate correctly.

Jelly Fish

Yesterday was Evil Marketing Man's birthday. To celebrate, we flew a little plane to an island that will remain anonymous so that I can remain anonymous. The coolest thing there was this Jelly Fish

 

I've never actually seen a jelly fish in the wild before.

And you thought I was going to blog about the spinless wonders that sometimes get promoted to be your superior. Well, maybe some other time. 

Get a Life (or a New Job)

Dear Evil HR Lady,

I hate my job. My co-workers are idiots. My boss is demanding. The work is dull and I'm underpaid. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

Get a new job. Or increase your social life so that work doesn't take as much out of you. But, really, get a new job.

I know, I know, that wasn't the advice you wanted. People often feel trapped in their job. Getting a new one is scary. Interviewing stinks. Using all your vacation time to interview rather than lounging around on the beach in Tahiti is a pain. But, if you truly hate your job, get a new one.

There are other companies that will offer benefits and pay you a salary. Truly, there are. And if you simply can't find one, then I suggest that you are not underpaid in your current job.

Good luck with your job search!

Sincerely,

Evil HR Lady

Evil HR Lady Eavesdrops

I totally did not mean to. But offspring and I were at Wendys and there was a man speaking very loudly. You know the type of person I am talking about--he was speaking loudly and in an authoritative voice so that all in the restaurant would know how smart and wonderful he was. But, that is beside the point.

He was telling his buddies about a system administrator job he once held. Turnover was so horrendous that within 3 months he was the most senior person there. Now, my thought on this was maybe he annoyed the other employees with his loud talking self-importance. But then he said something telling. "They arranged all the cubes so the manager could see everyone all the time."

Things like this make the Evil HR Lady want to bang managers' heads together. Professional adults don't want every second of their lives monitored. Really. They don't. Now I hear offending managers screaming, "but if I leave them alone for 30 seconds they are playing Doom and watching people set themselves on fire on YouTube!" I have no doubt that there are people like that. (Of course, now I'm curious if such a thing really exists on YouTube. So I went over and typed in the phrase setting self on fire and nine hits came up. I did not watch any of them. People are so strange.)

If you hire someone who wastes their whole day watching videos on the internet, fire her. Or him. Just get that person out. Then let your professionals be professional. If you monitor the whole group, I can guarantee getting away with stuff will become the foremost goal of your entire team.

If your voluntary turnover is through the roof, start examining how you are treating your staff. And be careful when you talk about it loudly in restaurants. Evil HR Lady may be in there.

When to Tattle

Dear Evil HR Lady,

Do you have any thoughts on when someone should complain to management about customer service? Usually I just finish whatever transaction I'm transacting and leave because a. it is generally unimportant and b. the employee in question is generally at a non-skilled low wage job ( I mean I don't expect Tiffany service at Wal-mart.) If it somewhere where more skills and education are needed (like a bank) I take my business elsewhere.

That said, I did complain to a manager last night. I went into the local pie-restaurant to pick up a pie (go figure) and was waiting for the whip cream to be added. And waiting. The teenager working the counter repeatedly asked the kitchen to hurry. Meanwhile the naked pie sat there while goofy-in-the-kitchen played around (note to kitchen workers--don't goof off in front of the open door). Finally the counter woman said, "Hurry, she's getting angry." Honestly, at this point I was annoyed but not angry, I mean we're talking minimum wage teenagers here, but then Goofy says "I don't care" and proceeds to add the whipped cream.

It was the "I don't care" that did it. Much to the surprise of the counter staff, I asked to see the manager and asked her to please remind the kitchen that the customers can hear them. Manager was not pleased and said she would take care of it. I am assuming the manager really would want to know that.

Any thoughts?

(signed)

pie-eater

Dear Pie Eater,

I'm sorry, what was your question? I'm busy thinking about pies. Specifically apple pies and cherrie pies. Or perhaps, a nice key lime pie.

Back to the question at hand. When should you tell management? The answer varies depending on if you are an external customer or an internal customer.

First, as an internal customer (i.e. should you go to a co-worker's boss to compain about her work, or lack thereof) you have a vested interest in making sure the company succeeds. You also have an interest in keeping your co-workers happy. If you need data from Bob every month and you constantly tick Bob off your data is going to come later and later and then it will start to affect your performance. On the other hand, if you can make Bob happy, you'll move up to the front of his list. (A gift of pie is always appropriate, by the way.)

My policy for myself and those who come to HR to complain is to ask the following questions before going over someone's head:

1. Was your request reasonable? Now of course, the person will insist that yes, it was reasonable. Then when pressed she might confess that she knew about this presentation she had to give for a month and a half. Yet, two hours before she was supposed to stand before the Board of Directors she finally called the lowly analyst and asked for 14 graphs depicting sales over the past 3 years.

2. Did you follow up directly with the person? Nothing is more annoying for an employee than being asked once to do something, never getting any follow up calls or clear deadlines, then suddenly being chewed out by management for "failing to get work done in a timely manner." Before you run to someone's manager (or HR--please leave HR out of this) make sure you've asked the person directly. I'll give you some sample dialogue:

Sharon: Hey, Bob, this is Sharon. How is that report coming?
Bob: Almost done. You should have it within the hour.
Sharon: Thanks Bob! You're the best.

Now, contrast that with this:

Sharon: (To Bob's boss) Bob hasn't gotten the report to me. I need that report or else Mr. CEO won't have the necessary information to run this company! Do you want the stock price to plummit?
Bob's Boss: I'll take care of it right now! (Storms off to yell at Bob.) Bob, why haven't you sent Sharon that report!
Bob: She asked for it two hours ago and I'll be ready to send it in 15 minutes. I've been working on it non-stop since she called.
Bob's Boss: (Grumbling and feeling stupid, but not wanting to admit over-reaction) Well, Sharon's very important. Make sure to keep her happy.

Let's think about this. In both cases, Sharon gets her report. However, in the first scenario, Bob will start to like Sharon more and more and will be more willing to bend over backwards to get her what he needs. He may even be willing to go above and beyond for Sharon in the future.

In the second case, Sharon is now someone Bob will not like. He will complain about her to his co-workers and they will all share their Sharon stories. Even Bob's boss will admit that Sharon is a jerk and he will take her less seriously. When Sharon calls that department, her requests will get punted to the new guy who accidentally sorts wrong in Excel, messing up the rows of data. This is not good for Sharon.

Now, if your follow up call to Bob goes like this:

Sharon: Hey, Bob, this is Sharon. How is that report coming?
Bob: Listen lady, stop nagging me. I'll get to it when I darn well please.

Then a call to the manager is in order. Or if someone is consistantly providing bad work and not responding to your suggestions. Or if you are more than reasonable in your requests and still not getting information you need. The key point here is that before you complain to management, you need to attempt to resolve the problem directly.

As an external customer, you have the option of not coming back to the store. Management really wants you to come back. (Well, unless you are one of the people described here.) Therefore, the threshold that needs to be crossed before issuing a complaint is substantially lower.

Again, questions to ask:

1. Was my request reasonable? Are you trying to return something you bought six months ago, wore 12 times and no longer have a receipt for? If so (this is a little helpful hint) your request is not reasonable.
2. Did you attempt to resolve it with the employee directly?
3. If you were the manager would you want to know?

If the answers to all 3 questions are yes, then let the manager know. If the answers to 1 and 3 are yes, then let the manager know. Now, Pie-Eater, in your case, the answer to question 1 was yes. (Your request for a pie with whipped cream was certainly reasonable from a pie restaurant. From an auto parts store? Not so much.)

You get to skip question 2 because the errant employee was not the one you were dealing with.

As for question 3, if I were the manager, I would definitely want to know that the employee entrusted with the whipped cream felt that torturing her co-workers was more important than serving her customers.

So, Evil HR Lady supports you.

Sincerely,

Evil HR Lady

Some Sound Advice

Another confession from Evil HR Lady: I talk too much. Especially when I get nervous. This results in people knowing way too much about me. This is a bad thing, according to Dennis M. Barden, a professional head hunter. He writes in the Chronicle of Higher Education about the perils of wagging your tongue when you need to be shutting your trap. He writes:

I just got off the phone with a candidate for a leadership position at a major research university. I had called to discuss the candidate's background relative to the requirements of the job in anticipation of a formal interview. I began with the usual opening pleasantries -- my name and background, the agenda for the call, an acknowledgment of the common ground between us, and so on. After a minute or two, I asked my customary opening question inviting the candidate to share some of his professional story with me.

Fifty-six minutes later I uttered my next complete sentence.

At least he says that's an extreme example.

Another example he gives (and this one terrifies me because if I had anything bad in my past--which I don't because I've only recently become evil--I would make this mistake)

The candidate was nervous walking in the door. A job he had held a decade before had been difficult and public, and he was concerned that the members would be put off by what they might have learned simply by searching the Web. He walked into the room with his fuse already lit. When the head of the committee welcomed him and asked him to say a few words of introduction, he ignited. Thirty-seven minutes later, he came to the end of his story. The committee members had 10 questions left to ask and 23 minutes left in which to ask them. They had long since lost interest not only in the candidate's narrative but in anything he might have to say. They ended the session 15 minutes early.

The irony? The committee was not even concerned about that old controversy.

So Evil HR Lady's advice of the day is to remember when you interview that you are selling yourself. Don't point out your own flaws and let the interviewer talk. People love to talk about themselves. Save your glowing report about yourself for your mother, and answer the questions asked. No more, no less.

A New Job For Evil HR Lady

If I ever decide to quit HR, I've found the perfect new job for me: Writing bad term papers. Seriously. The New York Times ran this article: At $9.95 a Page, You Expected Poetry?

It cracked me up. Apparently, even the essays you buy off the internet are bad ones. Professors have caught onto Google, so you now have to pay extra to get custom papers written. This would be the perfect job for me.

I was good at papers in college. My best feat ever was the time I went to the library at 6:00 p.m. to start on a research paper that was due at noon the following day. I am proud to say that I got an A on that paper.

If it weren't for the whole unethical thing, I'd sign right up. That and I'd go crazy writing papers like the ones described in the article. Of course, the whole thing reminded me of this wonderful blog post from Suburban Dad. He wrote an article in the compare/contrast style so popular in Freshman English Classes. He, of course, compared Brokeback Mountain and Curious George. Here's a sample, and then go read the whole thing.

Although Curious George and Brokeback Mountain share many similarities, they also share many differences. Both involve men in hats, but the meaning of the hat changes.

Breaking Into the Business World

Dear Evil HR Lady:

I find myself in a strange situation. I like my job - but it pays peanuts, has a really long commute, and doesn't use my rather expensive college education. I can do it because my husband makes enough for us to get by, though. Unfortunately, my husband's work habits make me very uncomfortable, and if I were DH's boss, I would have fired him months ago. I want to be prepared to find a better-paying job if that
ever happens.

So I'm kinda-sorta job hunting, and I have time on my side. How do I go about making the best of this advantage? I have a B.A. in psychology and music, and I know I would be good at something administrative or organizational, but I don't have a business degree. I'm still in my 20's and look younger, so I don't know how to get past the "applying to be a secretary" stage to find something that would use my Ivy-league degree or actually have benefits. How do I find something, and how do I negotiate a reasonable package?

Thanks,

Searching

Dear Searching,

Interesting situation you're in. First, with the husband--hopefully he's at least good at his job, even if he has bad work habits. But since the only thing you can change is you, let's find you a new job.

When young people ask me what to major in, I always tell them, "Major in whatever you want to, and get an internship in the field you want to work in." Who knows if this is good advice, as young people tend to run screaming from me. Of course, I tell them this just after I've lectured them to get a hair cut, turn the music down, and respect their elders. I'm such an old lady.

At one point when I was working in HRIS (Human Resources Information Systems--the techy side of HR), we had people with the following degrees: Political Science, Finance, Hotel & Restaurant Management, Social Work, Health Care Policy, Information Systems, Criminal Justice, and Education.

My point here is that HR will take just about anybody. Oh wait, sorry. My real point is that for an entry level job (which is what you want), companies really want someone who is bright and willing to learn. If I hire someone out of college, I don't expect them to have a clue about what they are doing, I just want them to be able to learn quickly.

Here are the things in your favor:

You're bright and willing to learn. (I ascertained this by the fact that you wrote to Evil HR Lady.)

You have an Ivy League Degree.

You are not desperate unless hubby gets "transitioned" out of his job.

You are young (and therefore, businesses won't expect you to have gobs of experience)

You are currently employed. (It's easier to find a job when you have a job.)

So, now for the advice part. First, figure out what you want to do. This may be the hardest part of your plan. My degrees are included in the list above. I had a master's and no idea what to do with it. I was afraid that if I told anybody that I wanted a specific job, it would cut me off from other opportunities. My indecision was what actually cut me off from opportunities. (At one interview, which I would like to forget, I actually said "this sounds like something I might want to do." I was very qualified for the position, but did I get it? Ummm, no.)

Second, once you've figured out what you want to do, evaluate if you have the necessary skills. If you decide you want to be a neurologist, you are just going to have to go back to school. However, if you want to be an event planner (which would use your psychology skills, administrative skills and organizational skills), you need to move on to step 3.

Third, start looking for jobs and talking to everybody. Call up event planners and ask them for advice for "breaking in" to the field. Find out what they did to get to that point. Re-vamp your resume to highlight the skills you already have. Try to gain additional skills.

Fourth, if you don't find a job in step 3, do two re-evaluations--the first is to make sure this is what you want, and the second is if your expectations are too high. If it's the second, try to get an internship. With Hubby currently paying the bills, you may be able to volunteer your time in an internship. If you can't get an internship, go to every staffing agency in your town and say, "I want to work in an event planning department. I will do anything. Type, file, make cold calls, whatever, as long as I'm in that type of department." People will often hire you as a temp when you lack the skills necessary to be hired as a regular employee.

Fifth, as you do the internship or the temporary job, learn everything you possibly can. Help with a variety of projects, ask questions, read whatever professional literature comes into the office. Your goal here is to gain knowledge. That way, as you continue to apply for regular positions you'll be able to speak the language of the profession.

Sixth, remember to sell yourself in an interview! But, don't lie. If the interviewer says, "Have you had experience with the software, EventPlannerPro?" The answer is not, "No, never heard of it." The answer is, "No, I haven't had experience with that software. But, I have used x and y. I learned both of these rapidly and could do that with EventPlannerPro. I really enjoy learning new things and taking on new challenges."

Seventh, when you get to the negotiation stage, make sure you've done your research on how much that type of job pays. Don't ask for $50,000 when the going rate is $25,000. For more tips on negotiation, read this and follow the links.

Eighth, when you get that great new job, send Evil HR Lady some money.

Good luck!

Evil HR Lady

Snakes in HR

Oh, how I wish I had thought of this analogy. John Sullivan at Workforce Online, however deserves the credit. He writes:

The movie "Snakes on a Plane" depicts the terror of being trapped in a confined space with life-threatening pythons, rattlesnakes and the like. While some might see this movie as having no connection to human resources, I see it as the perfect metaphor for the typical HR department.

(I hope you can read the entire article. It may require registration, but it's free and you can sign up for regular e-mails about HR related stuff. I know all of you have wanted to discuss how to calculate turnover! I just know it.)

While he thinks that some people might find a comparison between HR and Snakes harsh (not me, slither, slither), he's met many. And so have I. (Once I was even a hissing snake, but I swear the company was making a horrible decision--and they eventually came to the same conclusion I did.)

Snakes terrorize and threaten. What do you do when you encounter a snake while hiking? If it's a coiled rattle snake you hold very, very still and you try to back off without disturbing the creature. What do you do when you encounter an HR person that is rattling and hissing about how a new program is going to ruin this/cause lawsuits/destroy employee morale? You back off slowly and she slithers back behind her rock, happy that her work is now done.

The whole article is worth reading, and those of you in HR will find yourself smiling as you label your co-workers.

Branching Out

Ford Motor Company just hired a new president and CEO, Alan R. Mulally, who was formerly with Boeing. He has no automotive experience, but is being given the reins. William Clay Ford Jr., gave up those titles, but is retaining the Chairman title and responsibility.

I think this is a great thing for Ford and a good example for everyone else. Here we have someone who has a huge family run business and he had the good sense to get outside input when needed. The NY Times reports:

Since becoming chairman in 1998, Mr. Ford has steadily increased his grip on the company, adding titles. But in July, he told the company’s board that he wanted to bring in an outside chief, he said in an interview.

Mr. Ford said of Mr. Mulally: “Our team needs a steady hand from somebody who’s been through turnarounds and knows what it takes and can say, ‘You’re on the right path, stick with it, it’s going to work,’ or ‘This isn’t the way to go, let’s refocus and go somewhere else.’ ”

Sometimes it takes just that--someone from the outside. Now, I am a strong advocate of promoting from within (and hey, if my boss happens to stumble upon this, I'd like a promotion at year end--thanks!), but I'm also a strong advocate of getting people in from the outside.

Have you ever wondered why your company tends to pay new people more than it pays old people? (Oh dear, that sounds ageist. How about new employees vs long term employees?) Not all companies do this, but many do. It isn't necessarily bad management practice. It's because good companies understand that sometimes you need an outside view. This practice subtly encourages turnover. (And your company should pay for performance so that the highly rated employees aren't making less than the new people, while the average worker is.)

When you've been with a company a long time the company way becomes ingrained and you have a hard time seeing any other way. So, you need to bring people in from the outside. This does not mean you can't grow your own people. You should be doing that as well. But you need to be open to new ideas.

Once I worked for a company that consistently appears on Fortune's Top 100 Companies to Work For List. The Chairman's attitude was "I may not know what you know, but I need what you know." Translated--he knew he needed to hire people who were better at some things than he was. If you've trained everybody under you, they only know what you know. Branch out. Don't be afraid to get new eyes looking at a problem.

I'll be interested to see what changes outside leadership brings to Ford. Hopefully, for them, the changes will be good ones. If not, well I'll keep buying Toyotas.

You're Fired!

That is, if your name is Carolyn Kepcher. Donald Trump and Carolyn (you know her from The Apprentice) have parted ways. Carolyn, as you might expect if you were a fan of the show, issued a very classy statement:

After 11 years with the Trump Organization, Donald and I had different visions for my future role in the company," Kepcher said in a statement. "Donald has been an extraordinary boss and a great mentor over the years, and I will always be grateful for the opportunities and experiences he has provided me.

She's a class act until the end. The Donald, on the other hand, replaced her with his daughter and is phasing out Ross to make room for his son.

Ahh, the perils of working for a family owned business.

Jessica Simpson and Tom Cruise and You

You just knew that sooner or later I was going to have to start blogging about celebrities, right? Blech. Truth be told, most of my music was purchased when I was still in high school and the last movie I saw in the theatre was "Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit." But, this headline amuses me, so I'm sharing.

Jessica Simpson: Disaster Of Epic Proportions?

Seems our friend Jessica may have "oversaturated her market with style (so to speak) over substance."

And then there's poor Tom. You remember him, bouncing up and down on Oprah declaring his love for Katie Holmes, telling Brooke Shields that she should take vitamins to recover from postpatrum depression, and generally being weird. (I'm guessing I don't need to provide a link to justify the weirdness thing.) Tom recently got transitioned out of Paramount because "his recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount."

So today's lesson is your actions may affect your job and your income. Tom Cruise may be a great actor and Jessica Simpson may be a great singer, but if you annoy too many people no one is going to want to hire/watch/listen to you. Keep Tom and Jessica in mind the next time you feel your individuality is being threatened by your boss's demand that you provide reports in black ink instead of the hot pink and teal you feel express your true inner self. Singing in your cube may be fun for you, but not for your co-workers. (Yes, I know you were choir president in High School. You are still annoying your co-workers.)

So, stop being annoying and get back to work.

Support for Pluto

I know several of you felt bad that Pluto was transitioned out of planethood. It seems we are not the only ones. From Fox News:

LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Size doesn't matter. That was the message as friends and colleagues of the late Clyde Tombaugh, the astronomer who discovered Pluto, gathered on the New Mexico State University campus to protest the International Astronomical Union's recent decision to strip Pluto of its status as a planet.

I'm hoping Pluto wins.

Performance Appraisal Anxiety

I promised I would comment further on Keith B. Hammond's article, Why I Hate HR. I figure since it's a holiday, it's unlikely that any company is doing something truly stupid today, so I thought I'd come back to this. I'd like to answer this question today:

Why are annual performance appraisals so time-consuming -- and so routinely useless?

Excellent question. First, let it be known that as a manager, there was nothing I hated more than writing and giving performance appraisals. As an employee, I desipise the self-evaluations (which I, being evil, somehow forget to write) and receiving performance reviews. I hate, hate, hate them and I agree with Mr. Hammond that they are time consuming and useless. But here is the short answer.

Appraisals are time consuming because managers fail to document performance throughout the year so they have to dig through old e-mails, projects, ect. for all 6 of their employees within a week's time. If they would document during the year, they would not be time consuming.

Appraisals are useless because managers don't use them throughout the year. If you would refer back to them regularly, they would be useful.

And now the long answer: There are many reasons HR wants you to do an annual appraisal. I'll try to list them here.

1. Managers fail to communicate with their employees. Shocking, I know, since none of you have ever had a manager who didn't communicate well. But, it's true. Managers are humans and nice humans tend to not want to say hurtful things to people. "Your work has not yet risen to the level of substandard" is not a nice thing to say. But, it needs to be said.

Managers need to deal with employee problems, and they don't unless forced to. Sure, if there is an incompetent employee, he'll get fewer and fewer key assignments, but no one will tell the poor person he's in the wrong job. Performance reviews force that to happen. Especially in companies where there is a forced ratings distribution and a certain number of employees have to be classified as "not meeting expectations."

On the flip side, there are great employees who don't know that they are doing a great job because their managers never tell them. These employees are frequently left on their own because the manager is too busy trying to deal with (albeit unobtrusively) the bad employee described above. Although the manager may be pleased as punch to have this type of employee on his team, he fails to mention it to the actual employee. Again, annual appraisals force this type of recognition as well.

2. Employees need to know what is expected of them. Generally, an annual performance review includes goals for the next year. This is frequently the only time an employee finds out exactly what his expected of her. She can tack this list to her cube wall and make sure she is making good progress in all areas.

The problem (and you knew there would be one) is that business needs can change rapidly and what your manager wrote in December may have no relevance to the work that needs to be done in June. A good manager will have regular one-on-one meetings with her employees and evaluate and change these annual goals as the need arises. Very few managers do this. If they would do this on there own, we HR types would get less fussy about annual appraisals. (Really, I'd suggest quarterly goal evaluation, but somehow I think that would cause MR. Hammonds to hyperventilate and I don't want to do that.)

3. Mr. Hammonds guesses reason 3 without even realizing it:

Companies, he says "are doing it to protect themselves against their own employees," he says. "They put a piece of paper between you and employees, so if you ever have a confrontation, you can go to the file and say, 'Here, I've documented this problem.' "

Lawsuits are a very real problem. EEO and OFCCP Audits are a very real thing. Perhaps Mr. Hammonds has never dealt with a lawsuit filed by the OFCCP (and he wouldn't, being a writer and all--the paperwork would go to HR and he would not know about it), but I have. One company I worked for successfully fought back and won a lawsuit filed by the OFCCP. We were able to prove we were not engaging in discriminatory practices by producing evidence. A good portion of the evidence was employee performance ratings (along with other things, such as length of time in job, education and prior experience). We could show that while some people were paid more than others, there was a high correlation between performance rating and pay.

Still, it took millions of dollars to "win" that lawsuit. (And I still have our outside counsel's phone number on my speed dial, even though I haven't talked to him in about 3 years. I'm scared to let it go.) Best not to get sued in the first place.

Now, I can hear Mr. Hammonds shouting, "then just give everyone a rating and skip the darn appraisal!" Sure. Let's do that. "Bob, as you know, employees are rated on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being 'exceeds expectation' and 5 being 'you want to start looking for a new job because you'll be fired within the month.' This year, you're a 4. Talk to you later!" Yes, yes, that would be effective. Even people with high ratings would not like it. "If I'm a 1, how come I'm not getting promoted? Where's my promotion?" Ahh, yes, managers still need to communicate with employees. And since you won't do it properly on your own, we'll require it of you.

A written appraisal (properly signed by the employee, manager and HR) can cover the company's rear end. We're sorry it needs to be done.

Performance appraisals can be extremely useful tools. They can open dialogues between manager and employee. They can serve as documentation for ratings. They can provide valuable information for future managers. They can help correct problems and they can reward good performance.

Notice I used the word "can" repeatedly in the above paragraph. Why? Because it's up to the manager and the employee to get use out of them. If your manager isn't using the review properly, ask for it. If you are a manager, make notes throughout the year, meet with your employees regularly and come year end--that darn thing will just write itself.

The Carnival of the Insanities

This week's Carnival of the Insanities is up at Dr. Sanity

Click over and read about Al Gore to Pluto to everything inbetween. If you've never read at Dr. Sanity's, you are missing out!